Heart and soul

 There is probably no more widely discussed topic in Islam by Muslims than the question of Istikhara. It may be so because this supplication is about the greatest issues of life, the biggest decisions one has to make and it involves heart, mind and soul.

Istikhara is a short supplication one says after a voluntary prayer asking God for guidance by His knowledge. After praising the Creator for His all-encompassing knowledge, the supplicant asks Him to make the issue easy and bless it in case it's the right thing regarding this life and the next, but in case it's not, then distance it from them and them from it and show them what the best is.

All clear so far. The hard part comes after: how do we know the result of the istikhara? How do we know which way to choose that both God is pleased with and we don't feel we are being pressured?

There are many ways of interpretation of different levels of authenticity I don't want to go to the detail of as it's not my field. Some say you will have a special feeling, even a dream and you will know in your heart firmly the right thing to do.

But what if you don't have any feeling like that?

Then you should use your utmost ability to reason considering every possibility from every angle and make a decision. If that's not the right thing God chose for you, don't worry: it will become impossible. The Creator and Sustainer of the universe won't let you do something wrong after you have asked His guidance.

I have recently heard another interpretation of the issue that says: if you want something but it is increasingly becoming hard, it might be a sign of the issue being the wrong decision. Although I don't doubt the credibility and authenticity of this interpretation because of the sound knowledge of the people mentioning it, the topic triggered some deeper emotions inside me. 

Every great achievement in the history of humankind was something difficult. There was the hero who had a dream, who was surrounded by a little group of supporters and a great crowd of people who thought they were mad/insane/unfit/obsessed/troublemaker/scandalous or all of the above. But they still went and did it - and made history. That's true about geographical discoveries, scientific inventions and the Islamic history is also full of such events for that matter. 

We can mention human development as well, giving birth is a struggle in itself and whenever the child is learning something new, they keep trying until they succeed. No child thinks "walking is not really for me" after they stumbled the 100th time. They get up and keep going. 

Fine, so we can conclude that the fact that something is hard does not necessarily mean that it is the wrong decision. 

Yet a scholar and a very knowledgeable friend mentioned that when we find something very hard, it may be a sign of the issue being the opposite of what God likes. 

But were they talking about my case? 

How is "very hard" being manifested in my case? 

Is it oceans I need to cross without the sure knowledge of whether or not I end up in a bottomless abyss? 

Is it a human being I need to push out of my body causing unbearable pain to myself with every move? 

Is it the divine truth I found, a burning love in my heart and soul and I want to share with my people who hate me and hurt me for it? 

Actually, non of these. I have only mentioned my feelings shyly to two people - the position of one of them makes it impossible for him to agree with me, and the duty of the other person is to try to discourage every such situation. So they - as expected - didn't clap their hands for joy when I mentioned them my wish, didn't facilitate any step forward in the issue, and would not talk about it if I don't. 

Is this the hardship that's the sign of God's disapproval? 

I don't think so. 

It's definitely a sign - as many things are - but this sign refers more to me than to the situation I'm in. 

I mentioned children learning to walk. When did I stop that? I mean I'm walking, sure, thank God, but when did I stop working for my dreams? 

I have always been a dreamer. 

And I can also say, many of my dreams came true. Not the way they appeared in front of me at first, but the essence of it. 

I was always told not to dream. I could blame my parents or the society for it, but that's all they knew. They said I need to concentrate on the facts, on the opportunities, and leave my dreams behind. I could never do it. I lived my everyday life, doing my duties, but my heart and soul were absent - so I never actually became successful. I had one reality for my dreams and one for my everyday life. In my dreams I were in magical sunny places and met wonderful people and worked on interesting projects - while I considered my everyday life a sentence, living in survival mode. I have actually never fought for my dreams. Never even knew I could. It's not a new thing for me, it's just the first time I have realised that I have never considered my dreams as valuable starting points I should count in planning for my future. They stayed in the air, suspended, as a cloud following me and giving me some fresh oxygen sometimes when I'm about to suffocate from everyday routine. 

Then one day routine everyday struggle became impossible. The carpet had been pulled off under our feet and I told my son:this is the first day of our emigration. We only went to a different town yet, we emigrated a few months later - accomplishing my dream since childhood. But it wasn't planned, it was just a necessary step for our life. 

My dream is less and less cloud-like. I sit down quietly and listen to my soul. I close my eyes and see my heart. I pay attention to my inner voice - something that has always been there, neglected and silenced. But never killed. I could never be the person who can be successful using only their minds and physical abilities. Silencing my heart and soul only made me handicapped, paralysed, a half person. I have always felt something is wrong with me - this is why. 

I will embrace my whole being from now on - my mind, my body, my heart and my soul. I want to give all of these parts their rights. 

People who knew me may be surprised. They may not understand what's going on, so they cannot help and support me. What I really need is to support myself. I know what I'm doing, I know why I'm doing it, so I need to stand by myself. If I don't do it, I would betray myself again and I can't afford that anymore. Not now that I know about it. 

I have a dream and I have made it a plan, creating a roadmap towards it. I will go step by step through it and will reach it by the support of God. I will take along my heart and my soul, freed from their prison, enjoying the sunshine of the reality. I will take care of them and never let myself or anyone treat them wrong. This is my responsibility.