Eastern European Muslim

 I have recovered from covid. Yes, I don't have fever anymore, I don't cough often and I do smell even my baby's nappy. However recovering will take some more time from chronic fatigue, anxiety and inability to focus. Covid attacks the weak points of the body. I am healing step by step from PTSD I am discovering the symptoms and effects of it day by day. By the way it is actually PTS, not PTSD as experiencing stress as a result of a trauma is not disorder. It means you have a healthy way of thinking. One of such effects I have just discovered is the moment I have been deprived of my womanhood. Strange enough, it happened only a few months or weeks after my marriage, in a rather intimate situation. My husband practically said that I was not interesting as I am. Of course he sugar-coated it in a joke, but something broke inside me. I was not the woman he was blown away from. He had previously played to me the most romantic song, he wrote me poetry - inspired lines and talked

 At a rather silent women's group a topic generated over 70 comments in a day. It was the bra. Types, sport or lace, to wear it or not to, at home and outside, etc. I was hesitating to participate in the comments as my experience with bras is rather specific, but then I could not stop myself. And I got the answer that was the reason of my hesitation. A really nice woman I personally know without a single inch of negativity used the word "extreme case" about breast cancer. I know she didn't mean to hurt me, if you read this, I love you 💖. But this is the word I will do everything to cancel.  My partial breast section is not extreme. Single full mastectomy and double mastectomy is also not extreme. Getting any cancer under 40 is also not an extreme case. Even dying from it is not extreme. Going through any physical or mental health issues is also not extreme. Growing up without any of your parents for any reason is not extreme. Not having a life one had imagined is not

  People keep telling me that I should or should have given him an ultimatum. To tell him that unless he sends me a certain amount every month or rents a flat for us until a certain deadline, I will divorce him. Of course it means also that if he is able to meet the requirements, I will go back to him, living with him as his wife, trusting and loving him as if nothing had happened. How much am I supposed to sell myself for? How much does my trust, hope and love cost? If he managed to get the amount until the deadline, will that erase every feeling of being neglected and used? Will that build my trust back up after all that I have gone through? Will it create love after I tried to believe in it long after the very end, and letting it go was the only way out? If I still believe that we can have a future together, if I trust him, there are no ultimatums. I will stand by him in good and bad times. I will wait patiently no matter how long it takes. That's what I have done so far. I didn

 There is probably no more widely discussed topic in Islam by Muslims than the question of Istikhara. It may be so because this supplication is about the greatest issues of life, the biggest decisions one has to make and it involves heart, mind and soul. Istikhara is a short supplication one says after a voluntary prayer asking God for guidance by His knowledge. After praising the Creator for His all-encompassing knowledge, the supplicant asks Him to make the issue easy and bless it in case it's the right thing regarding this life and the next, but in case it's not, then distance it from them and them from it and show them what the best is. All clear so far. The hard part comes after: how do we know the result of the istikhara? How do we know which way to choose that both God is pleased with and we don't feel we are being pressured? There are many ways of interpretation of different levels of authenticity I don't want to go to the detail of as it's not my field. Som

 I'm done with the whole issue. I recognised it and will not let it control me anymore. Mother wound, Eastern Europe, narcissistic relationship and all their support system. Vested interests of patriarchy masquerading themselves into the noblest healing methods of spirit and body. Doctors swear to save lives, not to stick to protocols even if it means death and every path to God considers the human and their rights. The underlying thought of every such harm is that you need to give yourself up in order to be accepted. And the trap is always there: even if you give yourself up, it will never be enough. You will not be loved, not have a place in the society, not get any guarantees for healing and so on. Why? Because acceptance is never conditional. A newborn child needs to be loved just the way they are. Not if they sleep all night, not if they don't cry a lot, not if they can be left alone for long. They need to be shown that their needs are important, otherwise something will b