Eastern European Muslim

Over the past weeks, since I have learnt about my ever fragile health I have been trying to find out what more I should do. I have turned my life around. Left a patriarchal community, left a marriage where I wasn't appreciated, left a country where I actually never imagined my life and came to a new country, worked, studied, wrote a book and got the best treatments.  In the meantime I managed to overwrite so many painful and harmful transgenerational patterns. I created a wonderful relationship with my children, not only with the little one but with the teenager as well. I understand them, don’t expect them to behave differently from their age. I live in society as a free individual having dignity, not as an oppressed outcast. It took me the last couple of years to shed my Eastern European personality.   I wanted to do everything in a new way and I did it.  Why are the diagnoses still not right? Why hasn't the disease left once I left patriarchy and oppression? What

When I was diagnosed nearly 3 years ago I was full of self blame. Part of it was because of recent external feedback from people, like a doctor who allegedly shouted on the corridor that “who let me get pregnant again”, told by another doctor who clearly never said anything about that, just like all the other doctors involved in my first disease. And part of it was a very early feeling when I felt guilty for crying too much and “causing myself” umbilical hernia. So I felt bad for not organising a health checkup the previous summer while everyone was playing mind games and tried every way to deter me from divorce. And I also felt that I should have gone to the hospital in Birmingham to get my blood test in the middle of lockdown, leaving my 11 and 1 year old alone the whole day. I basically felt that the whole disease and its stage was caused by me and it was my fault to put my health and life in danger.  Now I don't feel anything like that.  I'm asking myself what m

Anita Moorjani was born on the 16th March.  In her family, in her community she learnt that the greatest virtue is to serve others, even if she forgets about herself and her own needs. She was constantly trying to conform to rules and expectations in order to be accepted and was living in a constant fear in case she didn't do well enough. This fear was her everyday life and it was justified by the most righteous and pious ways.   And then she got cancer.  She fought hard, trying every standard and alternative therapy, meticulously following the instructions so that it would really work. But her state just deteriorated and at one point she weighed 40 kgs, she couldn’t hold her own head and her organs started to shut down one by one.  And she passed.  What she experienced was beyond words. Really, it's better to read her first book, Dying to be me. I will only mention a feeling of unconditional love and acceptance. She felt she didn’t have to do anything to “deserve”

Thank you Cancer  For the reminder  Of what not to do  I didn’t take care of myself  And you came  And keep coming back  To hold me  With your cells  With your water  For me to be held  Hugged  Reassured  Because I felt lonely  And insecure  You were with me  When people left me  Thank you  Now I'm here  By my side  I'm holding my hand  And I love myself  I know I'm able  To do big things  And I'm doing them  So with gratitude  And appreciation  For your precious work  I am taking back  My position  Of taking care of myself  You have done a wonderful job  You opened my eyes  To where my life was heading  To a cliff  And then, the abyss  This is the destination  Of everyone  Neglecting their needs  I'm still learning  I know what not to do  But still lacking a little  Know how  Of being by my side  Of keeping myself safe  And living large  And loud  And real  But don't worry  I'm getting there  So really, I got this  Thank you  I can take it from

Post - diagnose 2 I was wondering what to change yet. I have moved here, I went through my freedom fights, my divorce and my distance from the community. I have been doing my courses, planning my website, preparing myself for being able to support myself. And in the meantime I have written a book and a half. What is there yet to change, in order for those cells not to appear again? What are they trying to remind me of? The fear. Yes, I got ourselves settled here for the third time, arranged a house, schools, living. I did all the Hajering and Maryaming, but I did it afraid. I managed to remember from time to time the Grace and Sustenance of God, but deep in my body fear has not left. And I’m not blaming myself. That was my default way ever since I remember. All my life I had been afraid. When I was a child, I didn’t know any other ways to live. The world around me didn’t seem to be a safe place. People were not there to give you reassurance, they were a constant source of d

Post - diagnose 1. It’s been almost two weeks since I've been trying to understand it. It’s rather a snow globe now, sometimes there’s a small swirl inside the globe, taking the little white pieces away until they finally settle, until the next storm.  There is desperation, I can’t say there isn’t. Like the white elephant of the alchemists that you shouldn’t think of if you want to create gold, it’s always at the back of my mind. Or like the sword of Damocles that’s hanging above me and cutting, every time I do something wrong. And what is wrong, anyway? In a way I’m actually happy about my condition. Because my uterus and ovaries were removed after the cancer had already spread, it can happen anytime, anywhere. Now they found three more things of some millimetres that weren’t there before.  These are indicators, like some sensitive plants in the forest, for example some types of ferns die if the pollution is high. Well, ferns don’t die, we are living in Ferndale Road!

In cultures of the temperate climate the weather and seasons have extreme importance. It is only natural, as humans, just like every other creature, are highly influenced by the temperature. When it’s warm they can work, and in the cold season they hibernate and regenerate. Some animals do actually hibernate. They sleep for weeks or months, their heart beat, breathing and metabolism slows down extremely. But even those who don’t do it, they slow down and do the minimum to keep themselves alive. We humans can use this time to turn our attention inside, to our soul. We can slow down and understand what has been going on, as many of us have gone through a lot the previous year(s). After a difficult time sometimes, regardless of the weather, all we need is a little “winter dream”. It is the literal translation of hibernation in some languages, as the word used for “dream” can simply mean the act of sleeping, but if we are searching for hidden meanings - and that’s what we do al