Fears and finding my soul

More than twenty years ago I spent one of my most self defining years in Italy. I was a volunteer at a country hostel, helping a lot in the kitchen - that’s where I first learned to cook. I didn’t only learn the recipes but also that you need to add a pinch of love to every dish, as the cook was an extraordinary lady. Whoever she looked at, she saw their hearts.

Once a guest entered the kitchen asking about lunch. They started talking and after two minutes, she told him the major events of her whole life in a nutshell. He left and I looked at her astonished. “How could you do that?” I asked. “What?” She didn’t quite understand what I found strange about her behaviour. Then I explained to her that my first thought about sharing anything about my life is that people would judge it, they would have negative opinions about it and about me in general. Now she was surprised. “Why would anyone think anything bad about you?” Then and there, being eighteen, drying my shrunken wings in the sun for the first time, I answered her: “Really, why would they? Shurely, they wouldn’t.”

It wasn’t until I got back to the place where I grew up that I realised where that fear was coming from.

An interesting feeling has run through me recently that opened my eyes to further aspects of being Eastern-European.

I usually don’t share my plans with many people. It may be a type of trauma response - I know I wouldn’t get real help, emotional support or useful advice, only misunderstanding, degrading, condescending negativity. 

I checked myself: I really had no problem with people expressing their views different from mine. Everyone’s free to do that. If it’s about my life and they are telling me the only possible right choice while considering my life plan something inherently stupid, in that case it’s a bit harder to be tolerant and acceptive. I still understand though that people are different, times are different, cultures are different, and if you were born and raised in a dictatorship, you can’t help but think there’s only one good solution for every situation. I still don’t really understand why people trouble themselves with creating scenarios for others on how to live their lives, but again, it has nothing to do with me.

What I really got scared of was my own reaction.

An otherwise very nice and understanding close person told me - without me asking their opinion - that what I had been planning the past 3 years, considering firstly others’ interests, is simply pointless. This put me in a position of being thoughtless and even irresponsible. I felt weak and confused.

I started questioning myself and those in my life whether it is really the best thing for them. They confirmed, but I remained hesitant. 

I felt I needed to explain myself, and that I would not be successful if I don’t get others’ approval.

At this point I stopped.

Really?

Where is this fear coming from?

It must be some very deep childhood feeling, since a small child really cannot live if they are not accepted, approved of, appreciated and loved. And for that, they will do everything. Even denying their own needs. Even saying no to what they feel is right.

There we are.

No.

Not any more.

This is my life. I have my children in it, whom I would do everything for.

I have my own experiences. 

Everybody told me not to go to Italy, to come back from the US, to stay away from people of different culture, not to become a Muslim, not to go to London, not to get married to the one I chose (even if it didn’t last forever, at that time that was my decision and I respect that), then they told me not to go to Yemen, and later, not to come here, and not to divorce.

I did all these because I could not find peace not doing them. 

If I wanted people’s approval, I would not be myself.

When I wanted people’s approval, I wasn’t myself. 

When I believed people’s fears and explanations, I thought by only my mind and it didn’t make sense. Everything was “rationalistic” yet it didn’t feel right.

That was the same rationalisation I used to silence my inner voice when I felt something was not right, but I stayed and looked for the 777th excuse.

I don’t do that anymore.

For my own safety and sanity I will not leave my own heart and soul out of the equation. They have a say in my decisions, in my life, in my future.

My heart had been hurt, and I felt inferior, lacking love and acceptance. So I did everything to be acceptable - betraying my heart and soul by it. 

About my soul, I didn't recognise its voice for so long. I didn't know that the tiny yet strong feeling, when you know the truth is actually the voice of your soul, worth listening to. 

Being accepted and doing the right thing, these were the two things I had felt long ago. I gave up the second to get the first. I didn't know it was the other way around. 

I need to listen to my soul and do what it tells me. Then my heart will be in peace too, as I'm accepting myself. 

Only this way can any kind of suppression end.