What have we done to marriage?

I believe in matches made in heaven and soul mates. I know that somewhere there is someone for everyone who can be just the perfect companion for them who can understand and share their weirdness - as everyone is weird in a certain way - but for "the one" these things are perfectly normal. It's a connection that involves heart, soul and body, it's as if there were millions of microscopic strings pulling them towards each other constantly. 

I also know that it's not guaranteed for anyone to meet their type of weirdo in their 20s or if they do they are not guaranteed to recognise each other and be at the point of their lives that they can start their journey together. So yes, it does happen that soul mates don't meet or don't recognise each other until they are in their 40s or even later. If it's so, if all the people waited for their soul mates to arrive finally from the desert or from the depths of country life, this world would be underpopulated within a few decades.

There is another way, and I don't even say it's less in any way. People could get married to others too who are not necessarily their soul mates, but a nice person who is willing to do everything to make it work. These are the matches made on earth, and they require a lot of openness and honesty to build a common area. The couple needs to be equally committed in their relationship, building it step by step, brick by brick, channelling every resource towards this common ground. If they are able to look each other in the eyes to get to know who they really are, they will discover a new universe and will build their love every day.

This can happen if it's all built on honesty and willingness to give from both sides. If however one of them has other intentions, if they weaponise the closeness of the other in order to get something from them, if they're not willing to give from their hearts, just counting and measuring the amount of time, money and emotions not to give an extra second more than necessary, then it's not real marriage for me, it's something else. 

What do you think about students who are only preparing for a passmark? Are they committed? Will they ever read about the subject after the exams? Do they care? Is it their favourite subject, or just something they need to pass in order to reach their real goals that is different from the subject in question?

Allah set up boundaries. These are the limits, the borders of a deed being accepted. We need to know it in order to stay between them whenever we have no more energy or capacity to strive for more. Let's take the example of prayer. We generally try to do the sunnah prayers too, to get Allah's rewards, a palace in Jannah, if someone prays 12 extra rakat every day, but if you are at work and have only limited minutes of breaktime, or you have a baby and you hardly know if it's morning or evening as you are stuck between diapers and breastfeeding, or you are just simply tired today then you only do the fard ones, as that's the minimum obligation. But once you are back in your normal state, you will strive for more as you do care and you want the reward of Allah. 

Well, rewards are there in so many actions, but people forget that. 

You might also go for only five prayers if you are a new revert or a young person and the whole issue is still new for you. But some years later when the love of doing something Allah likes will be stronger in your heart than the trouble of some extra concentration, you will want to do more. 

I could bring endless examples from a person who loves their job and thinking about new solutions even while on holiday to a runner who gets up every morning to do their training and will do some extra rounds after finishing because they know that's how they will win and so on. The point is the same: if you are committed to something, if you understand by your heart and mind the positive result of it, you will never stop at the minimum, at the passmark but will try to do more and more. 

Likewise, if you are not very young or new to the concept, and your minimal effort is not temporary, it very simply means that you just don't care.

What is this whole discussion about?

Well, how many times have we heard things like "she has never asked for more time /money, so he doesn't need to bother", or "a husband only needs to stay with his wife at night, so what's her problem" or "her fathers (temporary rented) apartment (where he only stays for a few months) has older furniture so this apartment (furnished with used furniture) is just right for her". We accepted the fact that men are only required to aim for the minimum when it comes to marriage. In job they need to be the top dogs, in mosque they need to be the first line of qiyam, in society they need to be the most generous, but when it comes to their wives, if they sleep at home and give them minimal financial support, they are considered to be perfect husbands. Spending time with family is not necessary, there are the grandparents or her friends for her as company, spending time with her only is considered an unnecessary women's romantic thing she is nagging for, remembering anniversaries or her birthday is not his culture and by the way not even Islamic, and actually the Prophet SAS never gave his wives roses. (well, husbands of this type never run races with their wives or repair their own clothes for that record, but anyways)...

So, this. Marriage today the way it is tolerated, portrayed, introduced, taught in many mosques give licence to men to act as if it is not a priority, and condition women to accept this.

The problem with this (among the host of others, psychologists and sociologists could write books about) is that it is nothing else but a time set bomb. Times are different according to the individual levels of abuse (emotional neglect IS abuse) and the extent of pre-conditioning of suppression of wives, but sooner or later most women will have enough of this and they will leave.

It is also unfortunate, as this is the example children see and grow up with, and it is possible that they will follow in their own families.

We need to go back to the basics. Marriage is one of the most important things in this life. It is the foundation of the society, the cradle of the new generation. That's where people learn to be humans, where right characteristics are implanted, this is the place of emotional nutrition we take with us through our lives. We do need to take it as a priority, and when it comes to priorities, you don't check the passmarks. You go for the maximum. As with every goal, you will not always score. Sometimes you will, but other times you will go lower, but still OK, if you aim for the best.

What happens when your goal is to pass? You will, for a while. Maybe you get some help, but your ego prevents you from facing it, you are still there, everything is fine. But one day you wake up and you realise it's over. And that's when you understand that your efforts were not enough. Or... You may not realise that. Good luck then.