3 days


3 days
They asked me 3 days to reconsider
No compulsion, they said
Then mentioned my children
While they know
Or they don't?
Yes, they must be perfectly aware 
That there isn't stronger compulsion for a mother
Than her children
So 3 more days to reconsider 
But I'm done with thinking
And explaining
And reasoning     
And mentioning my rights
Everything is ticked
Yet the pressure did not end
It became stronger instead
And got trickier and stickier 
Using my own dreams
Against my own willpower
Painting beautiful pictures in front of my eyes 
Of a life I once dreamed of
Mentioning an ideal situation
I spent a decade
Pretending to be living in
Hiding from everyone and from myself the fact 
That I was not 
3 days 
I'm fasting 
Not eating 
Not drinking 
Not speaking 
Not reasoning 
Just being 
I let this river take me 
I surrender 
To the Lord of this river 
And of every being 
As I know He won't let my heart bleed 
And will take me 
Where I really belong 

 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I'm bald

Image
Again. Third time in the last 10 years. Second time in the last two. My friend told me it’s not 100%. The nurses told me, too. But still, it was worth giving it a try.  But now I’m bald again. Baldie, baldie, as the youngsters joke. Walter White. Or Achim Lauritzen, people from my generation and above may remember him. Bowling ball.  The ball effect is enhanced by the 10 extra kgs that got on me as a result of the steroids. Those were necessary so that I can take chemo. So in order to stay alive, I need to be fat. And ugly.  I have no uterus, it had to be taken out so that my life could be saved. My beauty and my femininity is the price I had to pay so that I won’t die. Of course I can see the silver lining. The possibility that I can be here is already a miracle. Not one miracle, many of them. It is true. And I’m inexpressibly grateful. But I’m tired. Of the whole journey. And also by explaining myself that the sky is always blue above the clouds. And that every cloud has
Read more

RHM The solution - the most missing quality of our society

Image
I love Arabic grammar. Most of the words have a three-lettered root that encompasses a pool of possible meanings, all having something in common. From these roots with the addition of other letters, we can form countless nouns, verbs or adjectives according to an amazing set rule.  The most familiar could be perhaps salaam that means peace, with the root S-L-M. It is the root of the world Islam as well which actually means something like a willful acceptance of the facts (ordained by God) that provides peace of mind. Not submission, not suppression, even more not suppression to creatures. (Ok, grammatically it could mean submission, but psycholingvistically I would avoid the use of this world in the presence of everyone - including myself - grown up in a submissive environment and/or oppressive society.) Knowledge is to be aware of the fact. Wisdom is to know when and how to tell them. R-H-M is another triconsonantal root of many Arabic words containing a wide range of mean
Read more

From fear to joy

Image
Post - diagnose 2 I was wondering what to change yet. I have moved here, I went through my freedom fights, my divorce and my distance from the community. I have been doing my courses, planning my website, preparing myself for being able to support myself. And in the meantime I have written a book and a half. What is there yet to change, in order for those cells not to appear again? What are they trying to remind me of? The fear. Yes, I got ourselves settled here for the third time, arranged a house, schools, living. I did all the Hajering and Maryaming, but I did it afraid. I managed to remember from time to time the Grace and Sustenance of God, but deep in my body fear has not left. And I’m not blaming myself. That was my default way ever since I remember. All my life I had been afraid. When I was a child, I didn’t know any other ways to live. The world around me didn’t seem to be a safe place. People were not there to give you reassurance, they were a constant source of d
Read more