Narcissistic discussion

The past months I have been participating in many groups about the topic of narcissism and I can only talk about positive experiences. 

These groups never aimed to substitute knowledge or therapy, but they provide an excellent support. I don't mean I talk to random strangers and cry my problems out, but if I read about events that are similar to those I have gone through, if I discover that the actions of others towards me are typical examples among the characteristics of a certain disorder, it helps me understand my feelings. Reading it shows me that my experiences are real, my perceptions are valid. It is already a step away from the effects of gaslighting. Empathy warms my soul after long years of isolation. I did have people around, even close friends, but I have never allowed them to see certain parts of my life - in fact I have never allowed that to myself either. I couldn't face that walking on eggshells had become my actual way of walking. Now I'm discovering step by step the effects of the narcissistic behaviour and to know that others have been there, that all of it it's real, frees me. 

I do go to therapy and do my research on the topic. I could not do without it, I would not have gotten this far without it. I do need to hear the professional explanation of the issue, but my main concern is my own healing. And part of my healing process is to have my experiences acknowledged by the world. To know that all my doubts, all my sensations that something fundamental is missing were not my own paranoia, but I was right. This behaviour is not unique, it's not caused by me or my own behaviour learned from my past experiences, but it's a real, existing textbook proven way of an actual personality disorder. 

To understand how someone's personality is affected and what percentage they have of a certain disorder if any is of course impossible through the accounts of others even by the best of psychologists. So obviously, to know if someone else can be labelled as "narcissistic" is close to impossible as it's them who need to go to therapy to be diagnosed and even if they went, it's very unlikely that they will share the diagnosis with you.

But to talk about my experiences doesn't mean that I'm labelling anyone. To understand through psychological counselling and literature the type of trauma that I have gone through is not equal to and not aimed to diagnose other people without having a PhD in psychology. The whole issue is not about others but about me, my own feelings, my own experiences and my own healing.

And to acknowledge what I feel, to own my experiences and to be able to heal, I don't need to have a PhD. I just need to be who I am.

I have recently read a comment on the topic of narcissism that made me think a lot. It confronted personal experience to professional diagnostic work while these two are on completely different areas and never meant to substitute one for another. The former was in a way dismissed, comparing it to a much simpler issue. Reading this was painful as it reached the very point inside me that was hurt for years. Not because of childhood traumas but because someone systematically eroded my relationship to and my perception of my senses. And to call a possible narcissistic behaviour a simple communicational misunderstanding reminds me of the gaslighting I have suffered from all those years. 

It's painful also because I thought the same way. If I heal from my own issues, so will the relationship. There is no such thing as a "bad man" who is responsible for every one of our problems. He's not an angel, true, but not a devil either. I need to find out what our relationship could become once I'm healed from my own traumatic experiences. 

Well, I did find it out. 

This is what it can become. 

There are people that are just like a bottomless well. If you pour little, little will be lost. If you then pour your best, all of your efforts in every single level - that will also disappear without any sign. 

After the years long experience, it took another while to be able to face the problem in hand. No one played with the gaslight switch anymore and my eyes started to see the things for what they were. And what I found, the psychologist called it "behaviour of a person possibly having characteristics on the narcissism spectrum". 

In fact they were exactly that even many years ago - when I was trying to convince my friends and myself that it's only communication issues and my own personal unprocessed trauma.

This was my path. I didn't lose these years, I needed them to know it 100%, and I couldn't have realised it earlier because of the very nature and extent of the trap.

But now I'm out. The nightmare ended. No one will ever explain to me anymore that the sky is green or the grass is red. I'm breathing fresh air now and learning to believe and acknowledge what my senses are telling me.