What more?


Over the past weeks, since I have learnt about my ever fragile health I have been trying to find out what more I should do. I have turned my life around. Left a patriarchal community, left a marriage where I wasn't appreciated, left a country where I actually never imagined my life and came to a new country, worked, studied, wrote a book and got the best treatments. 
In the meantime I managed to overwrite so many painful and harmful transgenerational patterns. I created a wonderful relationship with my children, not only with the little one but with the teenager as well. I understand them, don’t expect them to behave differently from their age. I live in society as a free individual having dignity, not as an oppressed outcast. It took me the last couple of years to shed my Eastern European personality.  
I wanted to do everything in a new way and I did it. 
Why are the diagnoses still not right? Why hasn't the disease left once I left patriarchy and oppression? What more should I do?
And then my therapist said something. She said that as long as my goals are to be “different than”... I'm still there. 
Life has different stages. You can call them thesis, antithesis and synthesis. (And then, prosthesis - it's my dad's joke from a long time ago). When I want to raise my children differently from the way I was raised, I'm at the antithesis phase. When I want to appear in society not like my parents did, that’s antithesis. It's not wrong, it's an important step, I just need to acknowledge that as long as I’m in this stage, the reference point is still not me. It's still them. 
I learnt how to take care of my kids. How to take care of my environment. I just don't know how to take care of myself. 
And how will I know me? How do I get to the third stage, that of synthesis? How will I know who I am? How do I find peace, love, healing and authenticity, which is basically the same thing?
By learning to live again. From ground zero. From asking myself continuously. From listening to my soul and body. 
My friend told me more than a year ago that first things first, moisturiser and tea, and it was soothing to my soul and body but I didn’t get the whole concept. 
That's what I'm learning now. 
That's what I'm forced to learn with these recent symptoms. 
That's why they are most likely there in the first place. 
To teach me to stop and ask. To listen inside. To appreciate and express love towards my body that has been tirelessly working for me. To give her some rest. And love and care and affection. 
I'm done with the rhino mode. I'm now learning how to take care of myself. This is the missing point. 
It's my turn now. 


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