Discovering my strength

When I was diagnosed nearly 3 years ago I was full of self blame. Part of it was because of recent external feedback from people, like a doctor who allegedly shouted on the corridor that “who let me get pregnant again”, told by another doctor who clearly never said anything about that, just like all the other doctors involved in my first disease.

And part of it was a very early feeling when I felt guilty for crying too much and “causing myself” umbilical hernia. So I felt bad for not organising a health checkup the previous summer while everyone was playing mind games and tried every way to deter me from divorce. And I also felt that I should have gone to the hospital in Birmingham to get my blood test in the middle of lockdown, leaving my 11 and 1 year old alone the whole day. I basically felt that the whole disease and its stage was caused by me and it was my fault to put my health and life in danger. 

Now I don't feel anything like that. 

I'm asking myself what more I should do, since I have already made huge steps towards freeing my soul and becoming myself. The thought of “not being enough” hunts me as it feels familiar, but deep in my soul I know that's not the right answer. 

It has rather to do with some kind of natural process. 

Climbing out of that deep abyss takes its toll. It's not happening overnight, Rome wasn't built in a day. It has its natural manifestations and if we consider diseases as reminders, it's still valid, too. No, I'm not beating up myself for not making a living from my own abilities and for not having ticked the last points on my immigration-to-do-list. I know I did everything I was able to and I did it my way, not in a shy way. 

I'm just not done yet. It's a long journey. And yes, most probably I did definitely need this reminder. At any point, it's too easy to get lost in between fears. Now it's not possible anymore. 

And there are differences between fears and fears. 

The first type, the “wrong” type comes from the mind. It's telling you all the logical reasons why you should just give up. It makes you feel like you depend on people, on outer factors, on decisions made in rooms you are not present in. It makes you feel small, unable to influence your fate, being a passive spectator of your own decay.

The other fear is active, it's the instinct of life. It's the natural reaction to scary news about your health. You scream, you shout, you cry. And just do it if you feel like it. Don't hold it back. Never hold anything back. 

So past this phase there's trust. And hope. And love. For God Who loves me unconditionally and I don't have to do anything for it. And for myself. Loving me unconditionally, finally after all these years of criticism. And giving credit to myself for all the heroic actions I have done over the years. 

I'm finally feeling my strength and my courage. I won't hide anymore behind the learnt characteristics of being small and weak and dependent. It's just what I saw as an example, but it is not from my soul. 

Diseases appear as a reminder when we don't live the way of our souls. I never knew what it was. Never knew who I was. There was always that little element of feeling small, insecure, dependent. While I was doing real grandiose things. There wasn't synchronisation. I did the things my soul was capable of while I believed I was someone unable and weak. 

This was the missing point. This shift. That my strength is not something strange people keep telling me and I don't understand why. My strength is me. I'm strong, big, independent and I'm able to get to the next level. This is what I am. Not the little girl who needed reassurance from everyone, who needed strong people to protect her. 

That's why it never happened. 

Because that's not my way.

I wasn't reassured and held by others the proper way because something was missing deep down. I never met myself. I never knew who I was. I had to meet myself and understand my purpose first, otherwise everything else is a role-play of me, the little one and my missing security, continuously hoping this time would end in a different way. 

But it will only end in a different way once I'm not looking for my security outside. Once I believe that I'm strong and I won't expect that from others.  

I came here and established myself three times. First alone, then with kids and finally with kids, being ill. I pulled myself out of depths of hopelessness and cluelessness.

I'm powerful. I'm not afraid to be alone. I don't care if what I do doesn't fit in other people’s definition of what's right.

This is my life. I'm living it my way - although I don't fully understand what that is. But I believe that the path will appear as I'm walking. I trust the process because I trust The Owner of the process. It’s my turn now.