Tea first


Last time we talked about feeling like victims quite a lot but we didn't talk about the reasons behind it.
Discovering the secrets of our souls is like walking in a forest. What seems to be a darker spot as we get closer we understand it's a pine tree, and standing in front of it we can even see each one of its tiny leaves. The process of understanding is similar, it comes in layers.
The victim mentality is an underlying feeling regardless of how people behave, but certain actions can trigger it, pushing the person into a major PTSD trip. The main question here is not what they said, as in life people behave in any way they feel at the moment and we can't ask them to tiptoe around our fears the same way as we wouldn't want to walk on eggshells for anyone. What can we do when we feel like we need to stop existing or to exist simply to ensure others' needs are met? 
I entered the usual role, but I had to face the fact that it's no longer possible. I can't just choose to stop existing - I'm fighting for my life. And I can't live in a service mode - that's what's giving me all the resentment feelings. And then I had a very uplifting and eye-opening sensation. I can choose to answer in a different way. I can say I won't just go over to the dying holes and die. I can say that I'm here, imperfectly and unapologetically me and I might not be able to do everything as expected but I have to stop hating myself for that. 
I learned to anticipate people's moods and to act accordingly. I learned that my feelings mattered only... Basically they didn't matter. If I didn't like something and I expressed that, it was just an uncomfortable situation and sooner I finished the "circus" the better it was. I learned that I was "good" if I was quiet and didn't cause problems. (Rhymes well with people coming home wanting to relax and my existence only serves to provide that.) 
I didn't grow up in an abusive home. My parents are intellectuals, they read a lot, about psychology, even about child psychology, and were both committed to continue only the good they experienced in their respective families and stop the rest. But it happened in the late 70's, 80's in Eastern Europe and no one is free from the culture they have been born into. 
I have this learnt voice I was talking to myself in that wasn't loving, wasn't kind. It was reprimanding, questioning, blaming, angry, demanding. That's what I learned how to talk to myself. 
Facing the hurt I have experienced is not a criticism of anyone, on the contrary: it's a necessary step towards healing and a first step towards the total acknowledgement of my own personal responsibility. 
I can spend years or decades blaming people who have influenced my life for shorter or longer period but if I don't change this voice in which I'm talking to myself nothing will change. I'm the one who let myself down and I'm the only person who can change this. 
What I have to do is to change the way I'm treating myself, the way I'm talking to myself. I need to stop being angry and demanding and blaming and everything I have ever felt people behave with me and instead I should start being kind, loving, considerate, respectful and all such things to myself as I want to be with others. 
This is the only way I can stop the "negative committee in my head", the victim feeling. 
Then come the practical advice of my best friend to drink my tea and put cream on my face before I do anything else. Sounds like a small thing but it's a great help. I need to learn how to take care of myself, after having learnt to listen to my soul. 
I have been practicing the past few days. Seems to be working. 


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