Even the seagulls


We brought some biscuits to the birds at the pier, and gave them in the freezing cold with icy winds. We didn't stay more than five minutes because of the weather and also we were going to be late from nursery.
When we left, I felt the seagulls (!) thought (!!) why we came if we only brought a little food and we left so early anyway.
Yes. This is the voice in my head. This is the way I'm talking to myself. This is how I feel about every single person I talk to, every situation I find myself in.
That I'm not enough. What I do is not sufficient so I shouldn't even be here. My right to exist depends on how useful I can be to others - if I can't, I should not even be here. Wow.
I wonder why I'm talking to myself like that. Where is it coming from? Not to blame anyone, and it's not even necessary if I can get rid of it without knowing the exact origin, I really don't care. But I think it would be useful to know who or what made anyone in my family think or feel about themselves that way. To tell them, to shout it into their imaginary ugly face that NO! I am here to live my life! Everyone is here on their own rights! No one exists to be a slave or a martyr! Everyone needs to learn the basic skills how to support and sustain themselves - not only financially but also energetically, psychologically and emotionally. 
This is what a family should be about, a place where you can learn important life skills safely and not the place where unprocessed traumas are passed through the next generation, replaying the same roles of oppressors and oppressed.
I'm out. 
I'm not here to serve. I'm here because my Creator put me on the earth out of love. My aim is to spread this love - first to myself, that's the only way to live. And only if I love myself I can love others - and not to have fears and resentments towards them. 
Those feelings that separate me from the rest of the world are the actual way I was looking at myself. It is filtered through my heart and I perceived to be coming from others - yes, even from the seagulls. 
It would be nice to know the origins of this all, but the most important is to put an end to it. I don't know how it started but it will end with me, by me. 
I will live my life from now on focused on loving and caring for myself. That's the only way I can survive. 

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