Who am I?


I have moved a lot, changed workplaces and circumstances a lot and it always meant to meet new people, to make new acquaintances, to adapt new situations.
For me it always meant having a new persona. A new part of my personality, the outside person whom I created step by step by carefully checking the people, the atmosphere for what will and what will not be accepted. To a certain extent it may be fine, obviously no one wants to be known as the loud one or the crazy one (not like I have ever been close to these), and it's good to respond to the requirements of the environment. But my main focus was on them and this "persona" did not start from who I am. And to be honest, it was basically not different from the "good girl at school" who's main issue is not to be too visible - except at the few special places where they knew who I am before I knew it.
The fact is, sad as it is, that before I become a 43 year old divorcee in an economically unstable situation fighting with cancer, I really didn't know who I was.
Maybe this situation where everything is unsure, nothing is for granted, and I need to fight for who I am emotionally, physically and mentally, it triggered the deeply buried force, that of my soul to finally come alive and take control. 
As I said earlier, the soul of the people living in any kind of dictatorial system is buried in a cold, wet, mouldy cellar and needs to be freed, cared for, listened to. That's what many people explain as meeting the inner child. But the soul has no age. They were there as babies, children, teenagers, young people, and we do need to address their unmet needs at all these ages but they possess all the strength of an enlightened adult who is a leader of their life. This is the force we need to free, to let it finally take its rightful place as the leader of my life - as me.
This is what my best friends saw when they told me that I was strong. I, thinking from the persona's point of view, didn't know what they were talking about. The persona, the good little girl depending on other people's acceptance perceived herself as weak. She didn't know about her strength as she didn't know her soul. She put her self evaluation in the hands of other people.
But she is not me.
She is an example my mother showed me because that's how she was conditioned. But that has nothing to do with her, even less with me when I'm among my people, so it has definitely nothing to do with my soul. 
This good girl image, this imprint of patriarchy is the part of my personality that I no longer wish to carry. I took off the costume as my divorce was pronounced. 
Now I take my precious time to find out who I really am. What I really want to do? - as the jobs I have been doing were mostly just to make ends meet. How I want to spend my time? And who I want to spend it with? 
Questions that my soul knows the answer to. I just need to listen. 


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