Hope or passive acceptance?



I know they didn't mean to hurt me. But they did.
Spying on people's intentions is not my duty. Ok, I should assume the best and I know they really didn't mean it.
Nevertheless, I'm hurt.
It's like this parents thing. You should honour your own feelings regardless of how well meaning the others were.
My feelings have nothing to do with the fact whether others are nice people or not.
They can be the nicest people on earth but if I'm hurt, I have the right to feel that way.
I'm honouring my soul and asking her how the feeling is.
What does it look like?
Degradation. 
I, a 45 years old woman who has hopes of living a full life one day, to find a love she has never known was compared to a 90 years old lady who's happy to be alive. Yes, I'm happy to be alive too, AlhamduliLlah, and I know it's a miracle and I do have a dangerous illness but I still want something more in life.
Maybe this is the point where my Achilles foot is.
That I felt so many times in my life that wanting more isn't acceptable. That I should just sit down, be quiet and be happy for having what I have.
When I told my classmates in secondary school that I wanted to go to Italy, a girl (who has since committed suicide) told me that it's not going to work.
This shows that my point is not that I'm angry with the people who tried to stop me. No, I feel sorry for them, they are carrying much heavier baggage - that eventually proved to be too heavy for them to carry.
When they expressed their concern, it wasn't about me, it was about themselves, the way they see the world.
Why does it hurt me?
Because I have always missed  encouragement.
You can do it!
Go for the best!
These sound strange in the part of world where I grew up.
My soul raised by Eastern Europeans, trained to accept whatever life throws at them can't bear any more passive acceptance.
Beletörődés. That's what they call it. To be broken in order to fit into something you don't.
To accept things you normally don't like and keep smiling about it was considered the right thing, a desirable behaviour, especially for a woman.
Countless of these women suffer from many different types of diseases.
I can't bear a single moment of passive acceptance any more.
This is what made me sick. I want to heal. I can't heal having the very same mindset that made me sick.
Hoping to heal but only to a certain extent is not really hope, it's passive acceptance in disguise.
I'm not angry with anyone.
But I detest passive acceptance.
Refuse to hope with limits. Hope has no end.
I will heal fully and live a full life in sha Allah. I hope from God - and God's Ability is unlimited.
So is my hope.





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