Reflection on the (Eastern) European woman & (Middle) Eastern man topic

A friend of mine wrote a few lines and not really answering it (I would have written there) but it made me think.

Why is it really that we know more tragedies than success stories? As an aspiring psychologist, even if we are talking about tendencies, I always want to go back to the source of the problem and even in the case at hand, we do have a common root cause.

The first question we need to ask is whether the woman has converted into the religion of the man and if she did, when it happened. Based on the old joke that starts "comrades, we are in a big sh*t! The Germans have attacked us!" we can say, if she hasn't there's no problem. If she has, the question is, when. If at her 30s or later, there's no problem. If at her early 20s or even earlier, well, comrades, we are in a big sh*t.

Why am I saying that? I'm a Muslim, since my early twenties and I have always thought it would help me in case I were to face marital problems as we would have a common ground. If any of us is wrong, we just need to get back to the teachings of the religion, and we would live happily forever together. The only problem is that not everyone takes these teachings as the moral backbone of their lives (without a backbone it can become especially hard). Most of the people coming from some cultures already have a moral support, their own culture. Religion is definitely a part of it so it can provide a familiar ground to converts looking for a home in this world, but the base of the structure is the customs and habits of their own (sometimes tribal) society. It has many common points with the teachings of the religion, many of which can be acceptable in certain circumstances (not here) and it also has points that are totally against it, but since it is so widespread, it is commonly accepted. And then comes the personal /societal behaviour of whether someone follows their inner moral consciousness or only the letters of the law.

And why I said the age of the person accepting the religion counts? Because if an adult person makes such a decision, it will be a logical, rational choice of someone who knows who they are. They know what's right and wrong, they can defend themselves and they won't get into situations where they will be used and abused or if they do, they recognise it earlier and get out. They don't understand why smart, precious women who possess a great amount of knowledge about their rights choose and stick into situations where these rights will clearly never be met.

When someone makes a decision around the age of 20, it is their choice of being an adult. You find clear answers to your search for the Creator, you are allowed to think and ask, there are no ambiguous theological questions that you should just believe and swallow. And on the human level, there is a straightforward moral code and a system that stops people from doing wrong. What could go wrong?

Our softness and lack of boundaries. Our naivety. And - just as dangerous the predators are - the danger lies within our background too. 

At the age of 18 or even 23 most people are not done with the recognition and processing of their childhood traumas. If someone has grown up with emotionally unavailable parents, when they discover that their perfectly chosen spouse is emotionally unavailable, they won't take it as a red flag, but as something completely normal as the air they breathe. When someone's parents are nice and supportive people but they have anger issues, yelling will not seem like a big deal, that's how people are, and there is no "real" problem, they have a roof above their head and food on the table. If on the other hand, someone has perfect manners, but right now they are in a little trouble so they can't provide support, we can be sure that only those familiar with the situation will tolerate this. Of course, we can always count on the society for a little victim blaming - shaming "havesabrsister", the weak way of trying to keep the status quo intact, going towards the smaller force. But the real question is, why they (we) only discovered the house was burning when some of us literally didn't have a roof? And I can only answer that it's because we haven't processed and healed from our previous traumas caused by our own society. And I'm not saying that in case we had already done it, these marriages could have been saved. I always thought I was not good enough and if I were, everything would be perfect. No, darling (myself 5-15 years ago). If I knew what I know now, I would have seen as many red flags as on the red square on the first of May.

This is the reason women don't see their house burning, the reason they stay for so long. Do they learn in the Eastern European society to take care of themselves? To have boundaries, that's coming from their souls? To recognise the voices of their souls? Do they know that they can say no and it doesn't mean that they will be left alone and not loved? Do they have emotional support?

Don't they learn to accept anything in order to be accepted? Don't they learn from nursery that the best is to fit in and not to speak up? Don't they learn from the time they were babies that their feelings don't matter, their cry is in vain? 

If the answer to just one of these questions is no, then we, the Eastern European society prepare and sell our children, especially daughters to be used and abused, to never let alone stand up to themselves but not to recognise the problems.

I'm 44 and I have learnt all that the hard way. This is "being ready for marriage" when just like the velveteen rabbit, I'm a bit damaged and I can't guarantee anything in terms of time (well, no one can, but it happened to me 2 times that according to the tribal customs, I was considered not worthy of any effort). 

I wish people didn't have to go through similar ordeals. I wish people looking for God and a just society weren't brainwashed into accepting a situation that goes against the very same teachings. I wish they could find their souls somewhere in the cellar and had the courage to free them. 

And I wish they did it in time. 

So is it a good idea to marry a middle Eastern? If you have your soul freed, if you have your boundaries coming from your soul, you will want to connect on a soul level with someone who has gone through their own road. And you will see the red flags coming from anywhere. I don't think the question is whether or not the candidate is middle Eastern. The real question is, are you an Eastern European? 

Let's become phoenixes instead.