Three of my friends - and so many women...


My three dear sisters. 
You told me about men who lack the sense of real intimacy and can't look into a woman's eyes. Who can't plan life together as they consider setting up a life - even without any sort of planning - to be their own privilege. Who substitute the sense of bonding with outer control, dictated by their own random choices.
And you my dears try to support. To follow. To be the only solid base during this earthquake. You stay because you trust them. Because you think about others just like you see yourself - they definitely want the best for all of us, they are honest. In your beautiful minds there's no place for concepts like selfishness, going towards the smaller opposition, using people, taking them for granted and so on.
You do it for years. For decades. You set aside your expectations about an ideal life, find explanations and excuses even for the unforgivable and just put out the fire every single day. The fire that would burn your home, that would harm your kids, that's threatening your reputation in the society and the one that burns from time to time between you two, just so that you know your place. You are the one who wake up the earliest, who sleep the latest, who talks to the teacher, the landlord, the neighbour, the officer, and everyone who has important questions and valid reasons to worry. But you go and make the differences meet, make the hard edges smooth so that life could go on, and it does, all because of your efforts. You make them believe that things are fine and by talking to them, you find comfort because for those minutes you believe it too.
But things are not fine.
And if you look back honestly, without the pink sunglasses you watched your life with in order for it to be bearable, it has never been so. It might have had fine moments, but it has never ever been the right thing. 
It's not because he didn't take it seriously. It's because this is his serious. This is his everyday standard. All that mess he is causing daily that you have been working tirelessly not to or at least to reduce the effect of to your everyday lives is his way to be.
My wonderful sisters. Just take your time. Listen to your deepest feelings and intuitions. Think about the times when you were happy. When you felt free. Connect with your inner voice. Find a point inside yourself where you are truly happy. Then it expand. Make connections with people who truly know you. Find the love of God and His blessings and rejoice in them. Let more and more of your life be affected by this joy.
And you will see your life change. You will see decisions that seemed to be impossible becoming the next natural step. Just walk your own path any way you wish. If it requires you to be strong and firm, you will find the strength for that.
And then one day you will breathe freely. That's going to be the first day of your real life. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I'm bald

Image
Again. Third time in the last 10 years. Second time in the last two. My friend told me it’s not 100%. The nurses told me, too. But still, it was worth giving it a try.  But now I’m bald again. Baldie, baldie, as the youngsters joke. Walter White. Or Achim Lauritzen, people from my generation and above may remember him. Bowling ball.  The ball effect is enhanced by the 10 extra kgs that got on me as a result of the steroids. Those were necessary so that I can take chemo. So in order to stay alive, I need to be fat. And ugly.  I have no uterus, it had to be taken out so that my life could be saved. My beauty and my femininity is the price I had to pay so that I won’t die. Of course I can see the silver lining. The possibility that I can be here is already a miracle. Not one miracle, many of them. It is true. And I’m inexpressibly grateful. But I’m tired. Of the whole journey. And also by explaining myself that the sky is always blue above the clouds. And that every cloud has
Read more

RHM The solution - the most missing quality of our society

Image
I love Arabic grammar. Most of the words have a three-lettered root that encompasses a pool of possible meanings, all having something in common. From these roots with the addition of other letters, we can form countless nouns, verbs or adjectives according to an amazing set rule.  The most familiar could be perhaps salaam that means peace, with the root S-L-M. It is the root of the world Islam as well which actually means something like a willful acceptance of the facts (ordained by God) that provides peace of mind. Not submission, not suppression, even more not suppression to creatures. (Ok, grammatically it could mean submission, but psycholingvistically I would avoid the use of this world in the presence of everyone - including myself - grown up in a submissive environment and/or oppressive society.) Knowledge is to be aware of the fact. Wisdom is to know when and how to tell them. R-H-M is another triconsonantal root of many Arabic words containing a wide range of mean
Read more

From fear to joy

Image
Post - diagnose 2 I was wondering what to change yet. I have moved here, I went through my freedom fights, my divorce and my distance from the community. I have been doing my courses, planning my website, preparing myself for being able to support myself. And in the meantime I have written a book and a half. What is there yet to change, in order for those cells not to appear again? What are they trying to remind me of? The fear. Yes, I got ourselves settled here for the third time, arranged a house, schools, living. I did all the Hajering and Maryaming, but I did it afraid. I managed to remember from time to time the Grace and Sustenance of God, but deep in my body fear has not left. And I’m not blaming myself. That was my default way ever since I remember. All my life I had been afraid. When I was a child, I didn’t know any other ways to live. The world around me didn’t seem to be a safe place. People were not there to give you reassurance, they were a constant source of d
Read more