The missing link

As I have mentioned it earlier in the blog, shortly after I got my diagnosis, I ended up in a very low place spiritually. A person who is of course not perfect, for whom I will always be grateful for teaching me so much and whom I respect a lot told me, most probably to make me less worried in an already difficult situation, that we can't be more merciful than God, so I shouldn't worry about the future of my children whatever would happen.

It put me in a position where I felt that life goes on with or without me and there was basically no need for me to fight for my health. Allah deals with everything and everybody better than I, so I should not stand in the way. 

Later I managed to gather my pieces and was able to pray for healing as a special gift or favour from God, as He is The Most Kind, The Most Merciful and He is Able to do all things. So I begged Him to save me, even though there's no need for me, and there are so many more terrible things happening to people, that's the real nature of this life, but as He can, and only He SWT can save me, I asked him to do it.

Nowadays as I'm finding my way back to myself, just like in Ramadan or in other blessed times when we forget about our fears and write to our long lost friends and we can talk for hours as if all those years we were in our lonely towers wouldn't have existed, my old friends find me. And yes, we continue as if we just stopped talking yesterday. A friend of mine wrote me who I always thought about, but we just didn't write all along the years. Both of us have gone through a lot these past years and have grown. She is now the same age as I was when we had a group of young girls whom I mentored in the mosque. Every time I think about them I smile, it was a very beautiful time for me.

She told me to remind me of who I was. And yes, she did ma sha Allah. She pronounced the most basic, yet most important principle of our religion. I remember teaching them this. There is even a paper picture of me wearing an old fashioned brown Asian qameez and writing to the whiteboard of the old mosque "intention". One of the most important and basic teachings of our religion is that deeds are according to our intentions. The definition of a good deed is if it is done for God, and in accordance with His laws. My friend, my former student told me that I should fight for health for God. So simple! And so far I have not understood it. I have not done it. Somehow I got the concept as if fighting for my health would mean not to accept God's order and to rebel against it. 

There must be some very deep inner fear that traumatised and paralysed my soul by linking fighting for life to a rebellion against the order. It tells me to be quiet and wait passively for my fate, whatever it is. If I stand up and go, if I search for opportunities for myself, this force reprimanded my soul for not waiting patiently. My former mentor's innocent suggestion opened the door to a very dark abyss - the one where my little dear soul was chained for years and decades.

My sweet soul! It's alright now. Life is a beautiful place. It's still waiting for you to discover it. Go ahead and live! Heal! Fight! Work hard for your dreams! Talk about your experiences and thoughts! Go ahead and love, drive, breathe, swim, ride horses, take care of your dear babies and your sisters babies, and make every one of your dreams come true! 

By doing so, you are not rebelling against the order of the universe. Your role in this whole beautiful symphony is not a tree that disappears in between the millions of others in the forest. Your mission, assigned to you by the Lord of the worlds at the moment of your creation is something extraordinary. Something that you still need to do and to share with the world. It requires a lot of strength, courage, confidence and trust in God. You possess all those qualities. Come to the light, my dear soul! Your Creator wants you to try. And He promised you something beautiful...

I couldn't fight for my life and my health for God because under the surface there was something telling me that passivity is the "good thing". It's the right thing to do. I'm the good girl if I sit around and wait quietly. How long I have been living like that! Basically all my life up to this point! I did many things, but in a shy way, not my way. I tried many things and then backed up, not to make too much of water circles. I did everything quietly, never too loud, not to disturb people. I travelled and came back, I started projects and stopped at the first obstacle, I learned and never used it, I made my way through new circumstances and then changed my mind and never went back. And I felt and then run back to safe destruction...

Time to rewrite history, as I have said it before. The whole of it. This is what this sickness is there for to teach me. Because my plans, my goals, my dreams cannot be fulfilled working only gear 2 for them. We need full gas now. A full tank of determination, love, strength, and courage, used properly. I possess all these qualities. And the voice that makes me sit down quietly is just as a liar as the one that told Van Gogh that he couldn't paint. His answer was right: just go on and paint!

God doesn't expect me to be a passive spectator of my life and the loss of it. He wants me to fight for it and every beautiful thing He has promised me. Now it's time to learn to walk again - literally. And to fight. And to do so for God. For His sake and pleasure, not for anyone to see me and to have any opinion about me. That will be a secondary side effect, one day I will talk to the people about my whole experiences.

This is what shows passivity cannot be ordered by God - it cannot be done for God, only for people. God likes the doers, the rebels, the ones who went against the society's conventional habits. Actually every Prophet was a revolutionary.

I'm going now to make a revolution against passive life and old fear that comes from generations. I will live on my own terms. And I will do it for God Who likes innovators.

I can fight for my life and work for my dreams for Allah. So can you.