New life

It's time to rewrite history.
Arrived at the end of May from a place where I was happy and strong.
Getting the diagnosis that doesn't only change the plans for the following months but might as well include deadly danger.
I froze from fear.
It's all too similar. Except that now it's much more serious.
A rollercoaster of events. The life I had built up step by step is taken away from me, one by one. My health, my plans, my trusted source of support. I'm in a whirlwind and barely have time for desperation. 
It is a force much stronger than I could control. I cry, I try to hold on for a while, but it's so overwhelming that honesty I can only admire it. 
If a sickness returns, the reality is that it has never healed completely. 
The trauma response I gave last time was not effective to my healing. 
It was the way I got sick. 
I was the good little girl trying to please everyone in order to be accepted and thus gain her right to exist. 
Having my health, my life being threatened by a sickness, I went back to my familiar way to cope and to survive, trying twice as much to be the good little girl, annihilating my needs and my personality, existing only to serve others. 
That's what I had learnt as a child, that's how I behave in my marriage accepting the unacceptable - and thus became sick, and that's what I continued to do after my sickness, watching my oxygen being gradually taken away. 
And that's how I become sick the second time, which was according to the above mentioned theory my first sickness I have never been healed of. 
So now it's time to heal. 
Really. 
Thoroughly. 
Not only from cancer.  
From the good girl syndrome. 
From annihilating myself to accommodate others. 
From denying my dreams, my desires, myself. 
The change had already started when I had first stepped up for myself and for those who belong to me. I decided that I would not live a life of a victim. 
I won't back up. 
I will go on and won't stop until my life is as it was in my vision God showed me as a promise. 
I surrender to His plans and accept all trials during the process. 
But I won't surrender to the creation. 
Not anymore. 


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