Bloodform
And then, suddenly, the thought. I left the bloodform at home. I can’t go back, I wouldn’t make it to my appointment. I started to talk negatively to myself, like why I have forgotten it - something nonsense, to forget is actually the absence of reasoning.
Then I thought, so what? Really, what will happen if I go there without the bloodform? They will make another one. This is a place where people are focussed on the solution, not the problem or the cause of the problem. They look forward, not backward - especially in situations like people under strong medicines forgetting things, which is quite predictable.
So I started to do the same. I allowed myself to forget things. To be a human (in Arabic “insan” (human) has the same root as “yansa” (forget)), especially to be a human under strong medicines. Because that’s what I am.
I came across an article, a nursery teacher talked about how to handle situations when one child hurts the other. She explained that both children are frustrated - the one who hits or bites probably more, that’s why they did it. While we need to comfort the victim, we should also make sure the “perpetrator” is not treated as such, that they are also comforted, cared for, and made feel heard.
That’s somehow the point. To be heard. To understand what’s going on inside that made some people so frustrated they became aggressive.
Some people are aggressive with others, others with themselves. The root cause is always the same - not feeling heard.
As children the ideal situation is if our parents, our teachers listen to us. It does or it doesn’t happen.
Then as adults, it’s ourselves. We need to listen to us. We need to comfort ourselves. We need to not turn to us reprimanding our own expressions of not being heard, of feeling less, of having human shortcomings, but to love and accept us unconditionally. To tell ourselves “it’s alright”. To calm the hurting “inner child”. Not really to calm them - to comfort and listen and nurture them.
Our inner child is our soul. The soul is eternal and ageless, but they lived through all our ages, and experienced so much trauma in our childhood. Those wounds are stored inside and if they are not listened to, understood and comforted, they can change our image of ourselves, and consequently, our behaviour.
I used to hurt myself a lot. I reprimanded myself for being human, for making mistakes, for not being perfect. Sure, I learned it from society. But now it’s over.
I live now in a healthier place where people don’t require everyone else to be perfect. I’m not a child, I’m an adult who is able to create a wonderful life, so I don’t need to put up with hurt in order not to be alone.
I can listen to myself and treat myself right. I can tell myself it’s alright to forget things. I can tell myself I will never ever abandon her or turn against her anymore. She, my soul, my inner child is safe with me now.
And that’s how I can work on my healing. Because unfortunately, in cases when you have been hurt too early, when you got negative feedback before you were able to process the difference between right and wrong, you, your body, your soul will interpret the feedback about a particular behaviour as if it’s about your personality. You feel as if you were not lovable, not acceptable, not having a right to live.
This feeling stays, even though you most of the time don’t even remember the situations and your parents obviously did not mean that you should not exist or are inherently bad. It activates the self destructing system “as I’m already bad”. It causes self sabotage and it also can, in extreme conditions, stop the immune system, causing serious illnesses.
To stop it, we need to change our self-talk. Small things like “o, I’m so stupid” may seem harmless, and if it only happens once in a while it surely is, but if we tell ourselves too often, it is harmful. The way we talk to ourselves silently, counts. No one hears it, but if we constantly use a reprimanding, condescending, negative, derogatory voice, we can seriously damage ourselves.
We need to talk to ourselves lovingly. We need to be nice and kind with ourselves. We need to be understanding and caring. We talk a lot about how to talk to people, but we deserve the same kindness. And we talk a lot about loving ourselves but so often we just don’t know how to do it. That’s how it starts. If we forgot something, we just tell ourselves, it’s alright. It’s not the end of the world. If we fail in something, we tell ourselves we can try next time. If we feel ourselves stuck, we say: we understand, just one thing at a time. If some people behave in a rather strange way, we say: no matter what, we got us. We will never leave us. And anytime we catch ourselves engaging in negative self-talk, we stop and apologise and say something nice instead.
With these small steps we can rewrite our story. We can change the whole narration. We can become heroes instead of victims. We can become powerful instead of being powerless. We can be happy and not feel deprived all the time. We can pour from our own and not be dependent on others’ emotional well-being and the stage they are at on their journey.
And we can stop working against our own health.
This is what a few consistent inner thoughts can do. You can become who you are, without the limitations of society.
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