After 20 years

Children give us the clearest examples of our deep, primary feelings we might have learnt to suppress long ago.

My three years old is in the stage of limitless imagination. While it makes him feel wonderful taking him to aeroplanes in the living room, making his cars his friends and even getting a ride on the Ninkynonk, he can easily find himself disappointed when we don't have a key to the neighbours house or there's no more apple juice, even though he said so.

And that's the hardest. Not only for them. To accept the not very pleasant reality yet to keep on dreaming and waiting for the best to come. To think within this strange time concept. To understand development and change. To be strong enough to face the current situation yet never to lose the label "temporarily", and at the same time to keep our vision and to do our utmost to make it true. To understand time, something so alien to our eternal soul and not to let ourselves discouraged by the painful things we have faced and think "now we are doomed" but to have the guts to stand up and not to give up until we get what we need. To have our trust in the Greater Plan bigger than our disappointment in what this point of time can give.

The hardest thing to grasp is the difference between "right now" and "eventually". We need to face the present situation as it is. We shouldn't gaslight ourselves into believing that everything is pink and shiny but we have to be strong enough to face the truth. The lesson of my past little more than a decade was about that. Yes, what we focus on grows, but that doesn't mean that we can just swipe reality under the carpet. Healing doesn't come from ignoring sickness and calling the hospital "a mountain resort". Sickness, loss of fruits, wealth and lives have their very important roles in our lives. They are messages we have to read, understand and act upon. If we fail to do so and as long as we keep hiding the unopened envelopes, we keep receiving them, perhaps in a much stronger edition.

So what is the message?

OK, let's be brave, let's face the clear facts.     We are being taken advantage of, getting rid of our basic needs, we lose people in different ways, our loved ones or ourselves get devoured by serious illnesses, we are left behind, and don't get what we hoped for. Just a few things happened to me and my closest circle the past few years.

The most obvious way to interpret these messages is: "para nosotros, nada". For us, there's nothing. Life is a meaningless heap of tragedies, a valley of sorrows, all the happiness and joy belong to the afterlife, we should just work tirelessly towards that, focusing on our duties. Anyway, others have it even worse, we still live in peace and have food on the table so no more whining, let's get our sh't together and keep struggling.

Really? Is that it? That's the whole meaning of all the trouble that "it's the nature of this world"? That it's not paradise so what did we expect?

Should we just keep doing whatever we have done so far? Is the reason why we keep getting these messages that life on earth is not heaven? Isn't there another message hiding somewhere? 

I'm now preparing to drive on the other side of the road and I'm training myself to notice the signals at unusual places. Everything around us are signs. And what are signs for? They inform us about things happening around us as well as our positions. We need to acknowledge them and act upon them. And more often than not, we need to change what we do in response to signs. There are actually very few cases where we should just keep going straight and not to change even our speed. 

Almost half of my life I have been researching and followings teachings that talk about how everything in the world is under control by the Creator, and how this fills everything with peace and security. The people who gave me the greatest impression during this time were either closely following the rules or were less eager to do so, were active in the community or focusing on their private lives, have came from every different walks of life, but they all shared one common feature: a deep serenity nurtured by their unshakeable knowledge of God that He is Loving of His creatures. Whenever something negative comes, eventually it will be good, or something better will follow. The authentic teachings confirmed that, talking about the Features of God and how He Is as He Was beforehand, giving His unmeasured blessings to the created world. 

To study theological principles and timeless guidelines is supposed to make us understand why these people think that way and help us practice how they do it. If we understand the theories behind the serenity we see, it becomes easier for us to reach that level, right? Well, it should have happened this way. What I experienced was that the focus of teachings shifted into do-s and don't-s, the Compassionate, Merciful and Loving Creator was portrayed as some kind of a santa-claus (AstaghfiruLlah) having a nice and a naughty list, the individual believer consequently becoming more of an anxious checklist filler (I remember we did have those photocopied checklists) than someone having serenity in their soul and mind. And I haven't yet started talking about the effects of all these on the community. 

The result is the complete opposite of what I was looking for. I have always thought it was because of our Eastern European culture, decades (centuries) of suppression cannot be erased by two frases. But I had to face the fact that people coming from other cultures (suppressed as well, only in different ways) are just as deeply involved in it if not more, interpreting the teachings of peace and kindness as stern rules according to the rough mountain lifestyle of their ancestors. 

So how can we summarise the process? We face problems. 

We either don't believe our own eyes and keep dreaming, or face it and fall into despair. 

If I look around and don't find what I want, it doesn't mean that it's wrong and I need to give up dreaming about it. It only means that it will happen later. 

Everything our soul contains is created for a reason.  

Fears of naughty lists, anxiety of ticking checklists and other very smart lists won't help us find the balance. 

Fear of not being enough is crippling to the soul. 

We need to listen to our souls and go back to the original truths the soul recognises.

So I'm taking a step back. No, not from peace, harmony with and trust in the Creator and Sustainer of the universe. Not from everything these teachings really are about. But from acceptance translated as self denial. From the interpretation of the word "surrender" as something done out of fear, with an internal conviction that my needs are unimportant and whatever is going to happen, it will be something I dislike, but I have to accept it anyway. Not as an action done out of trust that I will be taken care of by the One Who controls everything. From the concept of "fighting against our souls", not from making effort to do what is beneficial for it and leaving everything that's not.

I'm interpreting the teachings through the filter of my own soul. Not leaving it out of the equation. 

And that's where I finally find real inner peace. The peace of mind, heart and soul I saw on many nice people coming from sunny places. The peaceful acceptance out of trust that the One Who creates, heals and makes, has planned a life that might be different from the way we imagined in a certain point of time, but will be much better than it, and it will be according to what our souls contain - as that is also created by the same Creator (by who else?).

This is the kind of "Islam" I believe in. Not the harampolice and the fight against ourselves. I'm never going to let my soul out of anything. And my soul recognises its Creator.