Female power

First time I recognised it was at the birth of my second child. I had a female doctor back with my first delivery too, but that was completely different. I felt surrendered to outer forces. My husband at my head telling me which supplications to say and my doctor, an older, respectable lady at my legs, telling me when to breathe and to push. And there I was, in the middle, just following orders while an immeasurable pain was tearing me apart.

It was followed by two years of untreated depression and utter emotional neglect and my only happiness was the smile of my child.

My second baby was born in a very different way.

I was alone. My soon (well, officially 2 more years) to be ex husband was already gone for months and I had to leave the apartment we were living in. We moved to a southern town to my mother's small house and I gave birth in a country hospital where I knew the head of the neonatology and pediatric departments. That was a privilege but without husband, without name of my child I definitely didn't have a position to envy.

My doctor was a woman about my age. She was nice and practical. The nurse was still in her 20s, with no child of her own. I had problems with contractions but since I had diabetes and because of my age (41) there was no time to wait. I got oxytocin and step by step I was getting there. The morning of the delivery was overwhelming. I tried sitting on a ball but then I realised the baby is coming. I felt every contraction and I owned them. My doctor was very enthusiastic, she was breathing and crying with me. When I had a problem she responded to it immediately. She didn't rule the scene, she was aiding and supporting me. I did everything there, I had my pains and I responded to them. I felt my body getting ready for pushing. One huge effort - and he was out. My sweet baby who had no name, no father, but who was looking at the world with curiosity from the first moment.

It was a very empowering experience. I can do this alone, I can do it better than before.

Now I'm getting treated with cancer. From the gynaecology department there was one young female doctor who finally cared about my case and pushed it through, and now at the oncology it's another woman, a little older than me who prescribed the best chemo ever. It's not only the medication itself but a whole set of painkillers, stomach protectors and others to avoid negative effects as much as possible. It was on for about 24 hours, I stayed overnight and left when the doctor explained everything to me in detail about my treatment.

I like the female versions better. I feel I'm not left out of these important questions of my life. My point is not that different people give me different things, because in that case both would be something passive from my side. I like to take an active part in my own life - actually I want to be the screenwriter, the director and the leading actor in my own movie.

It has not always been like that.

I have to admit, being passive was in a way my choice. After my difficult adolescence with my mother raising us alone, feeling bitter and frustrated all the time, being a single woman didn't really seem to be so much fun. And when I got to know Islam, I was amazed by the status of woman it offers. She is literally a queen, carried on throne all through her life. A whole set of regulations regarding her rights guarantee that she will never have to worry about her rights being granted. So since I was not coming from a family that would guarantee such a situation, I thought that by getting married to "a religious person whom the whole community approved", I will be just like a queen as well, as I have read in the books.

I wanted my rights back. I wanted the circumstances that would guarantee they would always be met. It seemed to be fair. And it was.

What wasn't fair - and I'm still surprised, Reading the Quran every day where everything is crystal clear - that people today simply don't follow it. They don't act upon responsibility and accountability, they do anything if they can get away with it. They seem to have forgotten that God knows their intentions and sees their hearts. And I'm not only talking about everyday people, but learned scholars too. If something can be twisted and turned into something explainable, their job is done. No search for justice, looking away from missing rights "sure she didn't want that". If a woman is not fighting for her rights, it means that she agrees that she won't get any of them. But if she is fighting, she is difficult, and she should be patient.

God given rights are not given by people who represent the right things according to God.

So my dream of being carried on a throne got destroyed among the banana boxes where my clothes are stored (again) and then in the hospital bed where I ended up after a year long struggle for my independence from a marriage where my rights were gradually taken - all of them.

So no more passivity.

No more power to unjust patriarchal systems.

I will take the steering wheel of my life and drive it to a place of care, understanding and support. To a life of responsibility and planning. To learn, to experience, to be honest, to work, to help, to love, to create, to restore and to be happy.

And I'm not going to stop with my life.

What I want is to provide a support system for women still struggling within the psychological spiderweb of oppression where they are gaslighted into believing that by leaving, they are doing something wrong.

It's extremely dangerous as that's the way patriarchy continues. Because before their divorce, my parents also lived in a marriage where my mother would sacrifice her own life for the ideas of my father. I grew up with a notion that this is the way to do. Passivity breeds passivity, and that's what gives life to patriarchy.

It's time to end it.