Back to life
As the mermaid is back to her sea, she can sing again. After years of silence here I am again to share my world with you. This time not "somewhere far in the South" though - too many sharks 😆 - I am in the foggy Albion, that suits my mood more for now.
It is not easy to emigrate. We know from family chronicles that my great auntie was washing dishes for 5 years before she could finally work on her field as a ballet teacher when she arrived West Germany at the age of forty. As Ginger Rogers did everything what Fred Astaire did - backwards, in stilettoes - I'm emigrating with a 10 years old and a 4 months old.
Why am I doing it? Why am I taking the pain of insecurity, waiting for months for basic things like a school or a proper home? Of course it is for my children's future, but really it might have been more rationalistic to wait for another year for better circumstances. But there was this drive that ejected us from Hungary and it grew even stronger with the baby.
That evening the refreshing Swedish air touched my face I knew I was home. Perché dovunque vai non sei straniero mai se hai la tua casa in te. I have it now alhamduliLlah. My home is inside me whether I'm in Sweden or in Italy, the US or Yemen, London or Paris. Everywhere. But not in Hungary.
It's not right to depend on - anything. How can I let a country, especially the one I was born and raised, stop me from being myself? What is this deeply grounded block that didn't let me living my life not only in that society but also among those who are the closest to me?
And why was I silent during all these years?
One sentence revealed it all.
"The situation is very serious back there."
A feeling all too familiar.
My mind instantly switched to emergency mode. A red light flashed, a syrene shouted big problems.
Lots of people involved.
I cannot help.
The only way to help is not to create more problems.
Not to ask for anything.
Not to have a voice.
Not to have needs.
Not to be visible.
Not.
To.
Be.
...
To disappear quietly as a tree in the forest.
Subhan Allah.
At a certain step of my healing process I realized I was not the patterns I learnt. I nearly died unlearning them. Not all of us are that fortunate.
One thing everyone should consider when entering a big family one way or another. Over writing personality issues is one thing. But I should also learn to take my own place and not follow the instrinctly written family dynamics always with the same role.
That place doesn't belong to me. It was my elephant rope. But I'm big now, I can walk away. No one is forcing me to think I don't need anything.
I'm not small. I do have needs. I'm taking my place under the sun. For me and my sons.
It might be far from where I was born. It may be also far from the one who did not see behind my words. It's not his fault. And not my fault either. Nor of those who taught me the best they could. Everybody carries their own burdens.
But not that of others.
I have my needs and take them. My non-existence would not benefit anyone. My existence does. My shine does.
I will shine for all those who still feel they are not allowed to. I will find my way.
For she did not disappear among the trees of the forest. Her example shines above the sun-lit snowfields. Above the silhouettes holding each other on that ice cold clear afternoon. She showed us an example of living and loving until your last breath.
This legacy keeps me going.
It is not easy to emigrate. We know from family chronicles that my great auntie was washing dishes for 5 years before she could finally work on her field as a ballet teacher when she arrived West Germany at the age of forty. As Ginger Rogers did everything what Fred Astaire did - backwards, in stilettoes - I'm emigrating with a 10 years old and a 4 months old.
Why am I doing it? Why am I taking the pain of insecurity, waiting for months for basic things like a school or a proper home? Of course it is for my children's future, but really it might have been more rationalistic to wait for another year for better circumstances. But there was this drive that ejected us from Hungary and it grew even stronger with the baby.
That evening the refreshing Swedish air touched my face I knew I was home. Perché dovunque vai non sei straniero mai se hai la tua casa in te. I have it now alhamduliLlah. My home is inside me whether I'm in Sweden or in Italy, the US or Yemen, London or Paris. Everywhere. But not in Hungary.
It's not right to depend on - anything. How can I let a country, especially the one I was born and raised, stop me from being myself? What is this deeply grounded block that didn't let me living my life not only in that society but also among those who are the closest to me?
And why was I silent during all these years?
One sentence revealed it all.
"The situation is very serious back there."
A feeling all too familiar.
My mind instantly switched to emergency mode. A red light flashed, a syrene shouted big problems.
Lots of people involved.
I cannot help.
The only way to help is not to create more problems.
Not to ask for anything.
Not to have a voice.
Not to have needs.
Not to be visible.
Not.
To.
Be.
...
To disappear quietly as a tree in the forest.
Subhan Allah.
At a certain step of my healing process I realized I was not the patterns I learnt. I nearly died unlearning them. Not all of us are that fortunate.
One thing everyone should consider when entering a big family one way or another. Over writing personality issues is one thing. But I should also learn to take my own place and not follow the instrinctly written family dynamics always with the same role.
That place doesn't belong to me. It was my elephant rope. But I'm big now, I can walk away. No one is forcing me to think I don't need anything.
I'm not small. I do have needs. I'm taking my place under the sun. For me and my sons.
It might be far from where I was born. It may be also far from the one who did not see behind my words. It's not his fault. And not my fault either. Nor of those who taught me the best they could. Everybody carries their own burdens.
But not that of others.
I have my needs and take them. My non-existence would not benefit anyone. My existence does. My shine does.
I will shine for all those who still feel they are not allowed to. I will find my way.
For she did not disappear among the trees of the forest. Her example shines above the sun-lit snowfields. Above the silhouettes holding each other on that ice cold clear afternoon. She showed us an example of living and loving until your last breath.
This legacy keeps me going.
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