Eastern European Muslim

I have discovered a new aspect of midlife changes. This seems to be one of the core elements of this revolution (as that’s what it is) that if we manage to overcome, it will be a real game changer. Even though we realise we need to change our lives and we do make some crucial steps, more often than not, there’s a force that is holding us back. For some reason we can’t spread our wings and fly, we might jump in the abyss when there’s nowhere else to go and we do learn to fly, but that enthusiasm is missing. We don’t run into the sea like we did when we were children, we are not fearless, not full of strength. Yes, we are, if we look back and see how far we have come, we definitely understand we couldn’t have done it if we were weak, but the joy of the jump is somehow missing. That scream on the rollercoaster. We are on a rollercoaster though, for sure, but our scream is mostly from fear. Something is missing. We lost the ability to be happy for the moment, for no special rea

Many of the religious teachings were eye-opening truths, the real reasons why we chose it and decided to study it, but there were those often talked about topics that everybody talked about, but no one really knew the real meaning of it, or if someone had an explanation, it was something that could only be perfectly understood and implemented in a totally different culture (and time) or not even there (then). Usually it turns out about these second types of teachings that they are not even from the primary sources of religion, or originally have a totally different meaning. Nevertheless, these teachings are continuously being told and repeated and quoted, so they have become a constituent part of the cultural texture of the communities.  We shouldn't forget that the way we started was to stop and question everything around us. We should never stop doing this, even with things “knowledgeable” people keep repeating. They might only be repeating what they grew up hearing.

I got to the one place I never wanted to go. The A&E.  So there’s no place on earth where everything works perfectly. In the UK one of the weak links is health care. The whole system is a little chaotic for me yet. Basically whatever you need, you can only do it through the A&E. A month ago I was unlucky enough to be there. Long story short, I left after being untreated and left sitting on a chair for 14 hours. It was an empowering experience though that I can leave. But the thought of going back there was the single one I never wanted.  But still, there I was. Having been sent by a nurse I was treated better though, almost like a vip. The most important difference was that I had a bed and a separate room. So what I did was just lay down and sleep and not care about the outside world.  I felt it was a reset. That last time I was lying unable to decide for myself or to control the situation, what I did was concentrating like a meerkat and trying to find out what woul

The patriarchal system hijacked concepts like patience, perseverance, trust, dependency, responsibility, tawakkol, acceptance. In their world these are all related to women passively accepting anything men have in mind, regardless whether it's just or not.  When you leave patriarchy, you spread your wings. You feel the air beneath them and feel all the sore muscles. You discover your feet and that they can take you anywhere. And most importantly, you discover your mind that free from the basic task of finding out how to please everyone, is able to discover new worlds. You feel you are unstoppable, that you can do anything.  And then, you stumble. Your mind cannot solve every problem. Sometimes even your feet won't take you far anymore. And you only fly in your dreams.  Your resources are just not enough.  We went to a mountain with my friends. One of them was very scared. She was sitting next to me and to calm her, an old supplication came to my mind: "There’s

Over the past weeks, since I have learnt about my ever fragile health I have been trying to find out what more I should do. I have turned my life around. Left a patriarchal community, left a marriage where I wasn't appreciated, left a country where I actually never imagined my life and came to a new country, worked, studied, wrote a book and got the best treatments.  In the meantime I managed to overwrite so many painful and harmful transgenerational patterns. I created a wonderful relationship with my children, not only with the little one but with the teenager as well. I understand them, don’t expect them to behave differently from their age. I live in society as a free individual having dignity, not as an oppressed outcast. It took me the last couple of years to shed my Eastern European personality.   I wanted to do everything in a new way and I did it.  Why are the diagnoses still not right? Why hasn't the disease left once I left patriarchy and oppression? What

When I was diagnosed nearly 3 years ago I was full of self blame. Part of it was because of recent external feedback from people, like a doctor who allegedly shouted on the corridor that “who let me get pregnant again”, told by another doctor who clearly never said anything about that, just like all the other doctors involved in my first disease. And part of it was a very early feeling when I felt guilty for crying too much and “causing myself” umbilical hernia. So I felt bad for not organising a health checkup the previous summer while everyone was playing mind games and tried every way to deter me from divorce. And I also felt that I should have gone to the hospital in Birmingham to get my blood test in the middle of lockdown, leaving my 11 and 1 year old alone the whole day. I basically felt that the whole disease and its stage was caused by me and it was my fault to put my health and life in danger.  Now I don't feel anything like that.  I'm asking myself what m