Pocket guide through midlife crisis

 

You feel you can’t go on the same way anymore.

You tell them nicely, you explain tirelessly, then you scream and shout. Nothing changes.

Or something does.

You, who were considered kind and adaptable and ready to carry everyone else’s burdens, are suddenly becoming the problem. Why are you complaining about the exact same things you have done so far? What is this rebellion? Are you a rebel without a cause?

Well, definitely not without a cause, anyway.

It would be so nice if they said: “It’s alright, you can do your things differently from now on, I understand it has been hard for you. You can count on me, we will figure out together how to go on so that you won’t be overburdened. I appreciate everything you have done so far for us and I understand many of it was over your limit. It’s time for me to step in and let you work your way.” 

But they don’t say that. 

Instead, they gaslight and guilt trip you. They explain every problem is caused by your limited dedication, and as honest as you are, you search for the fault in you. Sure you are a person, so you are not perfect, so you will find some mistakes done by you, and will try even harder.

But somewhere inside you feel the problem is not with your dedication. You check your to-do list: it’s full of things you do for others.

There’s not even any room left for you.

Is this a problematic dedication?

Well, it is. But not the way they think.

Nevertheless, you continue your daily struggle for others, as you feel the responsibility for them. Plus you don’t see any other option. 

If you don’t do everything, it’s not going to be done.

Is it a “strategic inability”? We will never know how much of this behaviour is on purpose, but it works: there are people who are acquitted from doing certain things, and others who carry all the responsibilities.

And then catastrophe hits.

You end up in hospital.

Well, actually you end up there more than once before you take it seriously. You go until your last breath in your previous mode.

Now you are in the hospital. The monitor is beeping above your head, blue lights flash around you, the infusion is slowly dripping, there are multiple tubes carrying different fluids in and out of your body. You are dressed in a humiliating hospital gown, it’s difficult to get even the most basic of human needs.

You are on the phone, trying to hold everything together.

You organise and resolve and clear up and reassure. Even now, you are the strong one. Mentally, spiritually and emotionally for sure, even if your body is a mess.

But you would also need the feeling of being taken care of… at least now…

Sorry, but no, sorry. It’s not available here.

There are several steps in front of you.

And several obstacles.

Once you are ill, you could just focus on your own healing and let others sort out their life the way they can.

The problem with this is you need to let them do it. Their way. Upside down, inside out, leaving a big mess, spending a lot, buying the unnecessary, 

But it’s hard.

There’s a deep feeling inside of being hopelessly dependent on people who don’t understand you and are unable to do the things right. 

It’s not about blaming parents.

Actually, unless you were born after 2000 and your parents were interested in the latest research in developmental psychology, you had about 0 percent chance to grow up without this feeling. The best ways of the best families all include methods that cause isolation of heart, mind, body and soul. These methods are around until now, so there could still be plenty of people around in 40 years who suffer from the same problems.

Growing up, you finally have the means to control everything, so you don’t feel that helplessness anymore. 

But now you are back at square one. Back laying in a bed, depending on others who have no idea of what you would really need.

And this is where you can change something. No, you can’t change them. You can’t make them be able to stand by you.

But you can stand by you. You can give yourself the comfort you have never gotten from outside. And no, you don’t need to do everything for it. Just need to be there for yourself. To tell yourself it’s alright. It doesn’t matter what surrounds you because you are safe. You are loved. People are trying their best or they don’t, but it doesn’t affect your inner well-being.

You are fine, loved and safe. You are there for you, you love yourself and you stand by yourself all the time.

This is what gives a sense of safety, not that things are done right.

This way you can let it go. They can try, they can stumble, they can pretend to be unable, or they can genuinely fail - it doesn’t matter.

Because you got you.

And then, when you are better, here comes the next step.

Doing what you are created to do. Without waiting for anyone’s approval. Because you should know: they’re not going to give it to you. Just get ready for more gaslighting and guilt tripping.

Here the problem can be the people pleasing. Again, this will develop in any society, any family, unless they are raising their kids according to the newest discoveries of psychology.

As a result, we will trade our authenticity for acceptance. We will give up what we need for fear of not being accepted, loved, supported.

Well, not like we are really supported now…

But now you know that the sense of emotional safety isn’t coming from outside.

Only you can provide it to yourself. You only expect it from outside because you didn’t give it to you.

But now you do.

You love yourself and you stand by yourself. And you know that only you can save you. Only you know deep inside your soul what you want, what you need. 

Authenticity is the most powerful thing one can do. It comes from self love. Once you are able to turn the current, to provide acceptance and unconditional love to yourself instead of expecting it from others, you will be the most powerful person. In fact this is the key to your success. You just gave it away to others, again, because of that childhood feeling of dependence on others.

But we don’t depend on anyone anymore. Yes, you might be, in certain aspects. But there have been people before you who have done it. Who have built themselves step by step, brick by brick from a position of complete loss and disaster. How? 

That if you find your soul, if you love yourself and stand up by yourself, you will discover a deep force inside that will make a way where there seems none. You find your way if you support yourself. You find solutions where others only see closed doors.

That’s how everything starts. With finding the soul, with loving yourself, with comforting your nervous system. There are several practices that can help: spiritual functional mapping, breathwork, self parenting, NLP, etc. 

This is the way to overwrite the thought patterns that don’t work anymore, and this is our way to heal mentally and physically.