My role

I was afraid of what I would do when I’m fine. Well, I don’t need to worry about that now. I’m not fine. I’m full of every different side effect after chemo, things that have been under control during treatment but aren’t anymore. My drain was taken out and I was told I would need an operation to fix my collapsed right side lung. I had different pains and gastrointestinal issues. The last one was a major gallbladder flare-up after it had been taken out during last year’s operation. 

I have learnt a lot. 

I continued to listen to my gut and I understood I needed a new diet. My friend who had been struggling with gallbladder issues the whole summer helped me with it. I continued with my research and adapted my elaborate diet to the new requirements.

And the most important thing was perhaps what’s going on inside - like always.

I realised that almost all the time ever since I've been ill, I had a feeling deep inside that “I needed to do something important, something useful”. And yes, studying, writing and preparing for my counseling service was important and useful. But my main task now is something else. It is myself. It is concentrating on my body, my soul, and giving myself the appropriate rest.

I finally got my results. Everything improved, but there’s still one place where the cancer grew and produced a fluid inside my belly. It will be drained hopefully within a week, now I start to look again as if I was pregnant - something totally impossible for more than one reason.

And there comes the usual self disapproval.

What I have been feeling all along, is that if I get into some elevated state, like Anita Moorjani who has been over there and has experienced real unconditional love, I will heal and eventually, stay alive. In other words, it depends on me, and I need to get in this state by myself. 

On the other hand, there is self sabotage deep down. Because if it’s something I do, it means that whoever didn’t get the desired results (health and life), who did not make it, somehow failed. And I couldn’t accept that I am successful in something but my sister wasn’t.

And I knew something was wrong with this train of thought, I just didn’t know what.

And there came clarity.

God knows that the only common thing in my sister’s and my situation is illness. Everything else is totally different. He SWT doesn’t only know, He created our lives this way. And yes, sure, kids have become orphans in many situations that are even worse, but our task is not statistics.

Our task is not to find out.

Our task is only to believe.

Life and death don't depend on us. There’s no secret special way that if you radiate positivity, you will heal and live until you are 90. Life and death depend on God, not on us.

But if I have learnt anything during this 5 and half year struggle, this troublesome dimension gateway, is that dreams are true.

When a child is born, they are full of dreams, wishes, hopes, and intuitions. Their first trauma is “it can’t be”. “It’s not going to work.” “That’s not possible.” “You can’t do that.” “This is not allowed.” Something that you want is not possible. The wish of your heart is not available to you, because of this and that. The deep desire coming from your soul is currently out of stock. You have to understand it, that’s how life works. It’s not a walk in the park. Look at the statistics. If it had been this way with others, so will be with you. 

So you live your life according to the rules, do your best, and forget about your dreams. You live, but you are not alive, as your soul is not there. But you go on every day, because that’s how life works, that’s how society works. You have long given up on your real self. No dreams, no hopes, no art, no poetry, no feelings.

And then something happens. Life as it is, that rusty cage that you were telling yourself was made of gold, is broken. Life doesn’t work as they said. They all lied. You gave up hope, you gave up yourself and got nothing in return.

And something else happens, too. A tiny little light. A forgotten fragrance. A music of a language once you were fluent on, that you never use nowadays. A pink dawn.

And the beauty of it is that it doesn’t even need to be “the right thing”. It could simply be a projection. A fantasy. A mistake. A mirage. It doesn’t matter. Its role is not to show you forever. Its role is only to show you that you were right from the beginning. Listen to your dreams. Trust your intuitions. Life indeed can be beautiful and it can work your way.

And then, the next step is the difficulties. But now you know. You know that dreams come true. You know that God has given them to you for a reason. 

So never despair. He SWT will help you through. 

You don’t need to know the how and the when. The only thing you need to hold on is hope. Whatever happened to others, doesn’t concern you. Every life is different, every situation is different. The only thing that counts is to trust God SWT.

By the way, that's what “la ilaha illaLlah” means. Literally, it means there’s no deity except for God. in a broader meaning it means that we don’t depend on anything except God. Our life is not controlled by statistics and what happens to other people. It is only controlled by God. and He is ar Rahman, the Merciful, who loves us unconditionally.

That’s the only thing I want to focus on.