Reset
So there’s no place on earth where everything works perfectly. In the UK one of the weak links is health care. The whole system is a little chaotic for me yet. Basically whatever you need, you can only do it through the A&E. A month ago I was unlucky enough to be there. Long story short, I left after being untreated and left sitting on a chair for 14 hours. It was an empowering experience though that I can leave. But the thought of going back there was the single one I never wanted.
But still, there I was. Having been sent by a nurse I was treated better though, almost like a vip. The most important difference was that I had a bed and a separate room. So what I did was just lay down and sleep and not care about the outside world.
I felt it was a reset. That last time I was lying unable to decide for myself or to control the situation, what I did was concentrating like a meerkat and trying to find out what would happen next.
I came from the valley of souls and ended up in Eastern Europe with traumatised people who had no idea what to do. Having left Rahm (the womb) I felt like I had left Rahma (God’s unconditional love and acceptance), too. They had no proper help, instead were expected to follow age- old, outdated rules that were supposed to make children “calm”, instead they only made them traumatised for life. That’s what my life became.
Then I tried to recreate Rahma. I thought if I do everything that’s expected of me, I will get it. If I meet all the requirements, follow all the rules, and play fairly, I will be treated fairly.
No such luck.
Does Rahma not exist here on earth?
It does.
But it’s not with people. I still needed some time to perceive this fully.
For the time being I understood that I can count only on myself. Of course I found helpers, and of course I knew that somehow God never let me down, but the wound was still too new to be able to fully trust anyone. Even if I stumbled more and more often, and eventually, I almost became unable to walk. But I only had myself to count on.
Not now.
I got to the understanding, not by mind but on a soul level, that no matter what doctors, nurses think or do, what happens to me is written. I'm safe, I’m surrounded by grace, acceptance and love. Rahma.
It appears as a komorebi, the sunshine we see through the leaves.
God’s all-encompassing and unconditional love is not coming through people’s direct fair reactions to our fair actions. It is behind it all. Behind all the betrayals, all the sadness, difficulties, struggles - there is a perfect plan. God is only dipping me into hardship to make me realise that with hardship comes ease. That there is a way out. That it’s not others we need to build our lives on, not only our own abilities, but He’s got His endless resources and we only need to ask. To trust that He is giving us the best. “Our way” best, not some nonsense we have a hard time to swallow, but the actual thing our soul and heart desires.
Because He knows that. And He is on our side. On our soul’s side. Not on the side of the fearful and hardened world that wanted to kill it because it was afraid of it.
This shift or reset that occurred in my understanding reminds me of one of the most beautiful God-searching in history, that of Abraham, peace be upon him. First he saw a star, saw its magnificence, so he thought that might be god. But it set. Then he saw the moon, saw how bright it is, but that set too, eventually. And he didn’t like those that set. Then he saw the sun. The brightest, that warms our body and soul. But then, that set, too. And that's how we go through it all, too. We see something that seems to be the thing that influences our lives the most, people, things, events, etc, and we feel we depend on them. But then, sooner or later, they set. So they can't be god. "Unless my God guides me, I will be amongst the loosers." That’s what Abraham said. And that is the point. God is not the closest apparent power we perceive at a particular point. He is the One Who gives us guidance. The force behind it all. Who brought us all the way up to now. Who helped us through our difficulties. The power that gave us hope and dreams. Yes, all our precious dreams. Who guided us towards certain things and away from others. Who made us understand the point, many times not immediately, but in a way we were able to process it. Who knows what we are capable of and what we aren't, much better than we assume. The all encompassing, encouraging love in which our lives are being held.
We have never been left by Rahma. We have always been surrounded by it. We just shouldn’t look for it among the immediate people, things, events. Our parents were just confused and oppressed young people in the cold Eastern European nights. Our possessions come and go. And the situations we think our lives depend on, will eventually set. These are the leaves. God is the light behind them. "God is the light, everlasting", how Yusuf Islam sang...
So, eventually I ended up in the hospital for 5 days, treated by great and less competent nurses and doctors. It was terrible but very useful. And then I came home and I’m fine, participated in a wonderful event with fellow cancer survivors that was very uplifting, and then received my second round of chemo. Now the medicine is inside, it just needs to work.
And I’m trusting God. I’m surrounded by Rahma. I’m healing every single day. And will be receiving everything I want.
And so will you.
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