Eastern European Muslim

Children give us the clearest examples of our deep, primary feelings we might have learnt to suppress long ago. My three years old is in the stage of limitless imagination. While it makes him feel wonderful taking him to aeroplanes in the living room, making his cars his friends and even getting a ride on the Ninkynonk, he can easily find himself disappointed when we don't have a key to the neighbours house or there's no more apple juice, even though he said so. And that's the hardest. Not only for them. To accept the not very pleasant reality yet to keep on dreaming and waiting for the best to come. To think within this strange time concept. To understand development and change. To be strong enough to face the current situation yet never to lose the label "temporarily", and at the same time to keep our vision and to do our utmost to make it true. To understand time, something so alien to our eternal soul and not to let ourselves discouraged by the pai...

More and more people I come across - and myself as well to a certain degree - experience deep emotional burnout. When you feel that nothing sparks your excitement. When you don't find anything that you really want. When nothing is interesting. More often than not, in the background of this feeling you have a profound sorrow. An unprocessed trauma, a disappointment in a person or in the course of life in general like a loss of a loved one. This disaster impacted your life to the core and has shaken your whole world   You may be questioning the whole outset of your life: what's the point of it then? There's no real answer, at least not an immediate one. As a result, you retreat from life and go into a numb state, sometimes on autopilot, just to survive the day.  You avoid big questions for fear of the void that they remain unanswered. Initially you perceive the whole world empty without the object of your loss but after the first shock you are still unable to ma...

Still trying to process the information. They say you can live without food for weeks. Without water for days. But without hope? You can not live without hope. The nation has decided. Yes, I'm the "Eastern European Muslim", I wanted to keep my background as general as possible but today being Hungarian means more than just living through dictatorship as a child. The people of today, many of them my age or younger said they are OK with having only the circus but no bread. They said hating people who are different from the majority in any way is fine. They agreed that the teachers who deal with the future generations don't deserve more than street sweepers - who should also be able to support themselves from their salary, obviously over here it's not the case. They decided that having a school system where children are moulded into not thinking, obedient robots is what they want for the future generations. They said that half years of waiting lists in ho...

I have been feeling quite miserable lately. I felt that the system failed me. The community failed me. I did everything that was preached and taught, yet my life went from not moving forward to being completely destroyed. I felt it's just not fair. Why are we constantly told to be patient and not warned about how to spot the things we do not and should not be patient about? Why are we advised to give 70 excuses and not told to stop at the 71st as that would be self destruction? Why is it that we are taught that the best way to ask for help is when we still believe in reconciliation and then being left alone and not given any help? Why do advisors think "solve it yourself" is an advice? And at the end when you tried your utmost and are left with no other choice, why is it that the nicest people are surprised at your decision? Why do advisors use blame, responsibility and feelings to make you doubt your own God given rights? And at the end, how can they agree wi...

I have moved a lot, changed workplaces and circumstances a lot and it always meant to meet new people, to make new acquaintances, to adapt new situations. For me it always meant having a new persona. A new part of my personality, the outside person whom I created step by step by carefully checking the people, the atmosphere for what will and what will not be accepted. To a certain extent it may be fine, obviously no one wants to be known as the loud one or the crazy one (not like I have ever been close to these), and it's good to respond to the requirements of the environment. But my main focus was on them and this "persona" did not start from who I am. And to be honest, it was basically not different from the "good girl at school" who's main issue is not to be too visible - except at the few special places where they knew who I am before I knew it. The fact is, sad as it is, that before I become a 43 year old divorcee in an economically unstable...

When I lost my sister الله يرحمها more than 2 and a half years ago I realised that life is not a fairy tale. This life on earth will never be perfect, because she is not here. It is full of trials and tests, never ending problems when you feel like it doesn't make any sense. After a few years of continuing troubles you just get the  sensation that this life is only a place of suffering. A grey world where the only ray of light is the time we get to spend with those we love. These are not weeks of holidays in fancy places, just a few minutes we get to talk about something deep. Otherwise it's just a series of challenges that only end with us exiting this world. I have concluded that the nature of this life is in fact suffering.  I have already mentioned that getting closer to myself means finding my friends from long ago. I have met a wonderful sister, a beautiful woman inside and out who I haven't spoken to for many years. She told her story that brought tears i...

Haram police, I'm sorry, but well, divorce is halal. It's never a good choice. It's never something you do as something you like. It's never what you planned. It hurts and disrupts lives. But sometimes that's what you need to do. To save those who belong to you, to save your mental health - or even more than that. The first thing we need to prepare ourselves for is to be strong and firm in our decision. Obviously it starts with istikhara. We need to recognise red flags and distinguish naivety from genuine positive expectations. Yes, we wait for the best, but if we have been forsaken multiple times, we need to look into the possibility that a certain behaviour is not the result of outer factors but is among the characteristics of our significant other. It's hard to face these issues and it takes a lot of time and consideration. But once we have taken our decision we need to honour it as it is not a joke, it is a serious issue, based on a commitment t...