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When you leave patriarchy, you spread your wings. You feel the air beneath them and feel all the sore muscles. You discover your feet and that they can take you anywhere. And most importantly, you discover your mind that free from the basic task of finding out how to please everyone, is able to discover new worlds. You feel you are unstoppable, that you can do anything.
And then, you stumble. Your mind cannot solve every problem. Sometimes even your feet won't take you far anymore. And you only fly in your dreams.
Your resources are just not enough.
We went to a mountain with my friends. One of them was very scared. She was sitting next to me and to calm her, an old supplication came to my mind:
"There’s no deity except God,
Alone, He has no companion,
His is the kingdom, His is the praise
And He is Able to do all things."
We were saying this all the way up and down and we were talking about how everything in the world depends on God. It's not the bus driver, not our cautions but God. Of course we do everything we can but at the end of the day everything depends on God's Mercy.
It wasn’t until a few days later that I realised how much she'd helped me. By being forced to think about the nature of the world, I found the solution to my problem, too.
I had ended my dependency from the patriarchal system. I stopped being patient with people and situations where I was clearly used and abused. I went until I found some safety for myself. I solved many issues and set up a new life. And now even breathing is a challenge.
I only counted on my own abilities. I didn’t want to depend. It's a trauma response of everyone who had been let down too many times. But what I need to understand - and what happened when on the running bus, my friend and I were grabbing the front seat handholds and saying the supplication - that it's not incompetent and irresponsible people who I will depend on and trust and be patient with, knowing that everything will turn out fine. It’s the Creator of the world. Who has made everything possible so far.
I think one of the main reasons why it's not that easy is that we have a rather anthropomorphic picture of God. Although our religion refuses the "father concept" - that shows how originally it had nothing to do with patriarchy - but the scholars today mostly present Him more or less like "santa-claus" may God forgive, who has a "good" and a "naughty" list, and the believers should live in constant fear not to get on the latter one.
God is far from these man-made images. He is the All-Encompassing source of unconditional love. He is the Organising Force behind anything that happens. He is the Source of everything. And He loves me especially when He is guiding me to understand this.
So I will keep on walking and trust God that I'll be able to run. I will fly and know that the air beneath my wings is from God. And I will continue to solve everything I can - and if I can’t find a solution, I will know it's not the end of the world. God is in control.
I repossess my ability to trust and have patience. By connecting to the Source, I will have unlimited possibilities. There's no such a thing as "God or me". I'm doing my part and then trust God's perfect plan.
I'm never let down by God.
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