Becoming me without dying

Anita Moorjani was born on the 16th March. 

In her family, in her community she learnt that the greatest virtue is to serve others, even if she forgets about herself and her own needs. She was constantly trying to conform to rules and expectations in order to be accepted and was living in a constant fear in case she didn't do well enough. This fear was her everyday life and it was justified by the most righteous and pious ways.  

And then she got cancer. 

She fought hard, trying every standard and alternative therapy, meticulously following the instructions so that it would really work. But her state just deteriorated and at one point she weighed 40 kgs, she couldn’t hold her own head and her organs started to shut down one by one. 

And she passed. 

What she experienced was beyond words. Really, it's better to read her first book, Dying to be me. I will only mention a feeling of unconditional love and acceptance. She felt she didn’t have to do anything to “deserve” that love - the total opposite of how her life had always been, worrying about whether she was good enough. Perceiving this for the first time was uplifting. She didn't want to go back to where she had been suffering so much. 

Then she knew she wouldn't suffer anymore. Along with receiving this wonderful unconditional love, she somehow felt she found her purpose: to tell the people about this. Obviously she didn't have clear ideas about the details but somehow she knew that she would come back, heal and talk to others about her experience. 

And that's exactly what happened. 

Anyone who knows me and my background doesn't need to read the first one and half paragraphs again with a different name. Here I am now. After so many treatments, operation and effort, cancer is still alive and well, spreading itself. 

I have been on the road for a while. I have crossed the dimension gate and have earned my scars. I have left behind patriarchy and every type of dependency. I found a great part of what I love to do and I'm setting up my life towards something that's really about me. 

Step by step. 

This is how it works. I have achieved a lot. And there's still a road in front of me. Every day I understand something new and then I implement it. I overwrite some residual Eastern European thought patterns and learn to operate from the place of being loved unconditionally. I experience not needing to deserve love and my right to exist.

This is how it goes. One day at a time. And I believe, just like Anita Moorjani's cancer disappeared after her immersion in unconditional love, mine will as well. Perhaps not in a few weeks time but step by step. Following my inner healing. 

I believe this will be my version of becoming me - without the dying part.