Today

I hoped this day went unnoticed just like countless others during holidays when you don't know the date. In Ramadan I had even more chance as I focus more on which day of Ramadan it is,but it didn't happen. The whole day I am aware that it would have been my 15th wedding anniversary. And it makes me sad.

Why, you could ask me, and even I'm asking myself. It was me who wanted to end it, my life is much better now thank God, and although I am really grateful for every experience and I know it couldn't have happened in any different ways, but to be rational, leaving the UK for an Eastern European country is never the smartest decision, even if someone married an actual prince in shining armour. And coming back was very difficult so I'm just glad it's done. Why am I still sad?

Maybe it's my unheard, unexpressed feelings that gathered throughout the years that I didn't want to face. My situation, respect for the people, the family, the community made me silent about my personal feelings and it led me to keep it secret from myself too. I wanted to prove it can work so hard that I failed to spot the signs that said early on it didn't. I know now what suppressed pain, sorrow and bitterness can cause so I'm here to listen to every single pain my soul is telling me.

Generally in a relationship even if it ends there's a period of happiness. When both of them are fully giving themselves to the passion and there's nothing else for them in the whole world. It can happen that it's restricted to a limited time because of some circumstances but it might just make it even more exciting. There has to be a time, if it's a day, let that be, dedicated only to the couple. That's what anniversaries are for. Or if it's a random event, that's fine as well, but I have never experienced being held important or celebrated, not for a day or a half in a year. I don't think that's too much to ask in any situation. In fact it happened two times that I arranged everything for a nice date night and was rejected with some lame excuse that he was tired. 

These were the red flags I haven't noticed but were the first nails in the coffin of this marriage. No matter how I tried to explain it away, it made me sad and the fact I wasn't listening to myself made me feel like I'm working against myself. 

Actually all the time in my marriage I felt in a way that I didn't want to cause too much trouble, not to take up too much space. 

And then I'm asking myself why something started to take up space inside me. 

I'm not here to blame anyone. That's not what this article is about. I'm doing my inside work on finding out why it took me so long to realise it didn't work. There were unhealthy patterns I thought were alright, that I just needed to try and keep trying on and on and it just isn't the way. This article is not about that either. What I'm doing now is only listening to the sorrow I had many years ago. I'm telling myself it did matter, my feelings were valid. 

Because only after listening to the past, sitting with the sorrow humbly, accepting its lessons we can fly without burdens towards the future. 

So now I'm just sitting on my sofa, looking out the window to the green trees and enjoying the sound of rain. Happy self care day to myself 💖