Eastern European Muslim

I’m healing from a deadly disease. As I’m experiencing the side effects of the treatment, gaining weight, losing hair, I’m doing everything to heal my soul. Body, mind, soul and heart live interconnected as long as we are in this life. So I’m trying to process the hard episodes of my personal life as well as transgenerational traumas. I want to understand what happened and I want to find peace. Many terrible things happened, many injustice both in my life and in that of my ancestors. And also many blessings. I want to process the pain, to sit with it, to tell my soul it’s alright now. Even if there are certain things I will never get back. I want to give my soul their right to grieve. I want to tell her: it’s perfectly fine if you feel hurt. These things were terrible. They shouldn’t have happened to you or to anyone. And unfortunately, I can’t even say you will be compensated. At least not in this life. Or not by those who did you wrong. They most probably won’t even admit...

I have always talked about my life but not in detail. I come from a small community where everyone knows each other and I didn't want to add to what people created for themselves of negative reputation. I also considered family members who don't deserve to have a negative picture about their important person. Somehow I also hoped things would eventually be solved, now that the requirements are considerably lower.  Unfortunately it hasn't become better. What happened was only that I understood that even though blessed, if I want to take steps forward (and I do), not only to survive, I need monthly, regular contributions from my ex-husband with the expenses of the children. And not only that I need it. I feel I don't have the right to remit it, to not to ask for it, to give up their rights because it's not mine. It's theirs. Everything is negotiable, the amount, how often he sends it, I can wait, I can solve everything for the time being, but the fact ...

I was going towards the hospital. Enjoyed the view, again after 3 weeks of how the season was changing. Not “having to” go to places makes them more beautiful, or rather you are more able to appreciate their beauty. And then, suddenly, the thought. I left the bloodform at home. I can’t go back, I wouldn’t make it to my appointment. I started to talk negatively to myself, like why I have forgotten it - something nonsense, to forget is actually the absence of reasoning. Then I thought, so what? Really, what will happen if I go there without the bloodform? They will make another one. This is a place where people are focussed on the solution, not the problem or the cause of the problem. They look forward, not backward - especially in situations like people under strong medicines forgetting things, which is quite predictable. So I started to do the same. I allowed myself to forget things. To be a human (in Arabic “insan” (human) has the same root as “yansa” (forget)), especially...

An article I wrote in January 2022. Az, hogy ilyen nehéz elképzelni a Könyörületet, azért van, mert egy elnyomás alatt élünk és rosszat tapasztaltunk a családban, az iskolában, a társadalomban, az országban. De pl. ott a brit birodalom, ami tényleg nem a jótékonyságáról híres, kb. az egész világot szét rabolta, de most ha elmegy Walsallba egy bevándorló, akkor a zsebébe tesznek havonta ezer poundot minimum. Miért? Mert volt annyi esze a brit politikusoknak, hogy rájöttek, hogyha pénzt tesznek az emberek zsebébe, azzal nő a gazdaság. És ez mindenkinek jó. Erre a keleteurópai politikusok még nem jöttek rá, ezért az itteni emberek csak azt tapasztalják, hogy nincs semmi és mindenki utálja őket. Így az hogy Allah Könyörületes és Irgalmas, nem jelent semmit, mert nem tudjuk, mi az a könyörület és irgalom, aminél Allah több mint 100-szor inkább az. Ha viszont ezt megtapasztalja vagy látja valaki, akkor bele tud gondolni, hogy az, hogy 400 ezret beleraknak a zsebedbe, semmi Allah ...

I love Arabic grammar. Most of the words have a three-lettered root that encompasses a pool of possible meanings, all having something in common. From these roots with the addition of other letters, we can form countless nouns, verbs or adjectives according to an amazing set rule.  The most familiar could be perhaps salaam that means peace, with the root S-L-M. It is the root of the world Islam as well which actually means something like a willful acceptance of the facts (ordained by God) that provides peace of mind. Not submission, not suppression, even more not suppression to creatures. (Ok, grammatically it could mean submission, but psycholingvistically I would avoid the use of this world in the presence of everyone - including myself - grown up in a submissive environment and/or oppressive society.) Knowledge is to be aware of the fact. Wisdom is to know when and how to tell them. R-H-M is another triconsonantal root of many Arabic words containing a wide range of ...

I know they didn't mean to hurt me. But they did. Spying on people's intentions is not my duty. Ok, I should assume the best and I know they really didn't mean it. Nevertheless, I'm hurt. It's like this parents thing. You should honour your own feelings regardless of how well meaning the others were. My feelings have nothing to do with the fact whether others are nice people or not. They can be the nicest people on earth but if I'm hurt, I have the right to feel that way. I'm honouring my soul and asking her how the feeling is. What does it look like? Degradation.  I, a 45 years old woman who has hopes of living a full life one day, to find a love she has never known was compared to a 90 years old lady who's happy to be alive. Yes, I'm happy to be alive too, AlhamduliLlah, and I know it's a miracle and I do have a dangerous illness but I still want something more in life. Maybe this is the point where my Achilles foot is. T...

I hoped this day went unnoticed just like countless others during holidays when you don't know the date. In Ramadan I had even more chance as I focus more on which day of Ramadan it is,but it didn't happen. The whole day I am aware that it would have been my 15th wedding anniversary. And it makes me sad. Why, you could ask me, and even I'm asking myself. It was me who wanted to end it, my life is much better now thank God, and although I am really grateful for every experience and I know it couldn't have happened in any different ways, but to be rational, leaving the UK for an Eastern European country is never the smartest decision, even if someone married an actual prince in shining armour. And coming back was very difficult so I'm just glad it's done. Why am I still sad? Maybe it's my unheard, unexpressed feelings that gathered throughout the years that I didn't want to face. My situation, respect for the people, the family, the community m...