Eastern European Muslim

I have been feeling quite miserable lately. I felt that the system failed me. The community failed me. I did everything that was preached and taught, yet my life went from not moving forward to being completely destroyed. I felt it's just not fair. Why are we constantly told to be patient and not warned about how to spot the things we do not and should not be patient about? Why are we advised to give 70 excuses and not told to stop at the 71st as that would be self destruction? Why is it that we are taught that the best way to ask for help is when we still believe in reconciliation and then being left alone and not given any help? Why do advisors think "solve it yourself" is an advice? And at the end when you tried your utmost and are left with no other choice, why is it that the nicest people are surprised at your decision? Why do advisors use blame, responsibility and feelings to make you doubt your own God given rights? And at the end, how can they agree wi...

I have moved a lot, changed workplaces and circumstances a lot and it always meant to meet new people, to make new acquaintances, to adapt new situations. For me it always meant having a new persona. A new part of my personality, the outside person whom I created step by step by carefully checking the people, the atmosphere for what will and what will not be accepted. To a certain extent it may be fine, obviously no one wants to be known as the loud one or the crazy one (not like I have ever been close to these), and it's good to respond to the requirements of the environment. But my main focus was on them and this "persona" did not start from who I am. And to be honest, it was basically not different from the "good girl at school" who's main issue is not to be too visible - except at the few special places where they knew who I am before I knew it. The fact is, sad as it is, that before I become a 43 year old divorcee in an economically unstable...

When I lost my sister الله يرحمها more than 2 and a half years ago I realised that life is not a fairy tale. This life on earth will never be perfect, because she is not here. It is full of trials and tests, never ending problems when you feel like it doesn't make any sense. After a few years of continuing troubles you just get the  sensation that this life is only a place of suffering. A grey world where the only ray of light is the time we get to spend with those we love. These are not weeks of holidays in fancy places, just a few minutes we get to talk about something deep. Otherwise it's just a series of challenges that only end with us exiting this world. I have concluded that the nature of this life is in fact suffering.  I have already mentioned that getting closer to myself means finding my friends from long ago. I have met a wonderful sister, a beautiful woman inside and out who I haven't spoken to for many years. She told her story that brought tears i...

Haram police, I'm sorry, but well, divorce is halal. It's never a good choice. It's never something you do as something you like. It's never what you planned. It hurts and disrupts lives. But sometimes that's what you need to do. To save those who belong to you, to save your mental health - or even more than that. The first thing we need to prepare ourselves for is to be strong and firm in our decision. Obviously it starts with istikhara. We need to recognise red flags and distinguish naivety from genuine positive expectations. Yes, we wait for the best, but if we have been forsaken multiple times, we need to look into the possibility that a certain behaviour is not the result of outer factors but is among the characteristics of our significant other. It's hard to face these issues and it takes a lot of time and consideration. But once we have taken our decision we need to honour it as it is not a joke, it is a serious issue, based on a commitment t...

"Did you write it about me?" - said my friend with tears in her sparkling blue eyes that still carried all the enthusiasm I have always known her for but also a deep sadness. She referred to my piece "My three friends and other women". "I had no idea about you, darling" - I told her surprised. Then she started to speak about all the humiliation and suppression she had to endure the past years. "There's also her" she told me about another friend who had recently divorced, with very strong reasons "and actually there are many more couples peacemakers are attending regularly nowadays." My first reaction was: "why?" Why do peacemakers attend couples of 10+, 20+ years, explaining the unexplainable, sticking to the letters of the law while gaslighting women's feelings and inducing guilt in them? Actually, wrong question. Wrong and naive. Why? Because that's what's convenient for men. They realised this is...

First time I recognised it was at the birth of my second child. I had a female doctor back with my first delivery too, but that was completely different. I felt surrendered to outer forces. My husband at my head telling me which supplications to say and my doctor, an older, respectable lady at my legs, telling me when to breathe and to push. And there I was, in the middle, just following orders while an immeasurable pain was tearing me apart. It was followed by two years of untreated depression and utter emotional neglect and my only happiness was the smile of my child. My second baby was born in a very different way. I was alone. My soon (well, officially 2 more years) to be ex husband was already gone for months and I had to leave the apartment we were living in. We moved to a southern town to my mother's small house and I gave birth in a country hospital where I knew the head of the neonatology and pediatric departments. That was a privilege but without husband, with...

As I have mentioned it earlier in the blog, shortly after I got my diagnosis, I ended up in a very low place spiritually. A person who is of course not perfect, for whom I will always be grateful for teaching me so much and whom I respect a lot told me, most probably to make me less worried in an already difficult situation, that we can't be more merciful than God, so I shouldn't worry about the future of my children whatever would happen. It put me in a position where I felt that life goes on with or without me and there was basically no need for me to fight for my health. Allah deals with everything and everybody better than I, so I should not stand in the way.  Later I managed to gather my pieces and was able to pray for healing as a special gift or favour from God, as He is The Most Kind, The Most Merciful and He is Able to do all things. So I begged Him to save me, even though there's no need for me, and there are so many more terrible things happening to p...