Eastern European Muslim

As I have mentioned it earlier in the blog, shortly after I got my diagnosis, I ended up in a very low place spiritually. A person who is of course not perfect, for whom I will always be grateful for teaching me so much and whom I respect a lot told me, most probably to make me less worried in an already difficult situation, that we can't be more merciful than God, so I shouldn't worry about the future of my children whatever would happen. It put me in a position where I felt that life goes on with or without me and there was basically no need for me to fight for my health. Allah deals with everything and everybody better than I, so I should not stand in the way.  Later I managed to gather my pieces and was able to pray for healing as a special gift or favour from God, as He is The Most Kind, The Most Merciful and He is Able to do all things. So I begged Him to save me, even though there's no need for me, and there are so many more terrible things happening to p...

My three dear sisters.  You told me about men who lack the sense of real intimacy and can't look into a woman's eyes. Who can't plan life together as they consider setting up a life - even without any sort of planning - to be their own privilege. Who substitute the sense of bonding with outer control, dictated by their own random choices. And you my dears try to support. To follow. To be the only solid base during this earthquake. You stay because you trust them. Because you think about others just like you see yourself - they definitely want the best for all of us, they are honest. In your beautiful minds there's no place for concepts like selfishness, going towards the smaller opposition, using people, taking them for granted and so on. You do it for years. For decades. You set aside your expectations about an ideal life, find explanations and excuses even for the unforgivable and just put out the fire every single day. The fire that would burn your home, ...

What my passage is about - not only the words but also this chapter in my life - to free my soul. One's soul is one's real self that senses oneself, understands their role in the world and recognises the things it belongs to. Even though my parents did everything they could to raise us with love and support and care, they are themselves children who grew up in a dictatorial system. And dictatorship destroys souls because that's how it can control masses, if they are soulless zombies blindly following orders. That's how children are raised or better say trained since kindergarten in these countries. So I didn't have connections to my soul as it was closed inside a dark room. I had very close connection to places and people that reminded me of my soul. Italy, South of France, Yemen and first and foremost my sister. I think it was the moment I lost her that catapulted me into a space where I had no reference point. There was no one who knew who I was, only ...

The wounds hit by the dimension gate  Are deep in my stomach I'm laying down motionless Trying to perceive every single piece of my aching body And grateful soul  I'm alive Thank God I survived crossing the stargate However I have suffered serious injuries Due to the nuclear explosion during crossing through But I'm here now On the other side I'm in my new life On the path of full trust in God  And total acknowledgement of myself  I will fly like never before Just like a phoenix 

Tumors form from the unlistened feelings and emotions inside us. I have just started to discover the process of freeing my soul from the chains of the suppressive society and embrace her with all the pain she is bearing. Washing her wounds gently, taming her slowly, step by step, to learn about being loved. What is she trying to tell me?  A friend, a sister who has already walked through the path of this sickness before shared her insights with me. We both realised that cancer came at a point where, although at different circumstances, the "good girl syndrome" was not sustainable anymore.  She spoke to me about how to heal. To be determined and to choose healing. To choose life. To choose future. To choose life and everything in it. Indeed, to make choices every single day and to declare fearlessly who you are.  She also said that she heard somewhere that to forgive and not to hold grudges against anyone frees you as anger hurts and destroys you more.  I ...

It's time to rewrite history. Arrived at the end of May from a place where I was happy and strong. Getting the diagnosis that doesn't only change the plans for the following months but might as well include deadly danger. I froze from fear. It's all too similar. Except that now it's much more serious. A rollercoaster of events. The life I had built up step by step is taken away from me, one by one. My health, my plans, my trusted source of support. I'm in a whirlwind and barely have time for desperation.  It is a force much stronger than I could control. I cry, I try to hold on for a while, but it's so overwhelming that honesty I can only admire it.  If a sickness returns, the reality is that it has never healed completely.  The trauma response I gave last time was not effective to my healing.  It was the way I got sick.  I was the good little girl trying to please everyone in order to be accepted and thus gain her right to exist.  Having my hea...

Everything is growing. New, modern houses emerge from places where there was once nothing but rubble. Old houses are being renewed by their new owners who appreciate their values - you see mosaic doorways, colourful front door windows, sophisticated colour paints and terracotta vases by the doors. It's the same place yet the air talks about new life here. It was once a dirty suburb - now it is a modern residential area for families and professionals where they can plan their future. The place has not stayed the way it was long ago. It managed to take the tide and to transform itself into a new quality. It did get outside help (the nearby Olympics nearly a decade ago poured new investment into the area) but it didn't stop there. Walthamstow reinvented itself as a new centre of humane living for all. Multicultural, definitely, but it's not even an issue anymore. It's for the people. How did it happen? How did this dirty, boring, sometimes even depressing area become a co...